This is another one of those rare posts that isn’t supposed to be funny (as opposed to my posts that happen to not be funny because I’m just not that good a writer). You would think this one would be a hoot since yesterday I went to the dentist to have a crown put on and I totally misunderstood the whole process. It does not, in fact, result in me being named the Queen of anything. In fact, it resulted in the dentist breaking the tooth he was trying to fix and then having to pull the mother fucker out of my head in four different pieces.
You would also think this post would be funny because I’m now on really good drugs (see story above). Sadly, if I’m this bizarre when I’m supposedly sober, I should be awesome while high. I’m not. Instead, I make tree sloths look like steroid-abusing Olympic athletes.
But here is the serious post: you changed the world a little bit. You, my good internet people, answered the call and filled in the gaps. When I was given twenty copies of Fahrenheit 451 to give to my students for World Book Night, all of you took to the internet and sent gift cards for me to buy extra copies for the remaining students. I not only ended up with enough to give to every student, there are about five leftover copies on my desk that I give to new students coming in.
One student was actually in the facility with me last year and remembered being given last year’s book, The Book Thief. He said it was the only book he’d read at the time, but that he’s read “way more’n dat” since then. His face lit up when I handed him this year’s book.
Other students told me a much more heart-wrenching tale. Several told me that they read it one time just because I was nice enough to give it to them, and that it was good enough that they had to read it again. MANY students told me a different story:
“If all those people on the internet bought this book for me, the least I could do is read it for them.”
You. You did that. And I’m clapping for you right now.
UPDATE: My book-book is ready, too! The ebook is available and people have taken to it like flies on poop, for which I thank you (if for no other reason than I just got to use the phrase, “flies on poop.”) But now, the promised print edition is also available! Or, the roach-smashing edition, as I like to call it. It’s available if you click HERE to get it from Amazon.
If I can pull off being serious for just a minute (I swear I feel like I should change my font, or something…this part isn’t funny), I’ve had more than a couple of people tell me they wish they could have given my autism book to someone they know who has a kid like my daughter. There are two ways to do that: first, the autism book also has a book-book edition rightHERE, but what about that pretty link over on the right of your screen? Yeah, the second way to share that with someone is to either a) “gift” them a copy of the ebook and help them read it on the free Kindle app on their computers, or you can actually give your Kindle copy away once you’ve read it. I set it up that way on purpose. I really do want a lot of people to know about autism so they stop rolling their eyes at my daughter in the grocery store. Thanks!
So all along, my goal has been to be a writer. Since no one really thinks I’m that good at it and since I’m always a little surprised when people tell me they read my book (and I start thinking, “Wow, let me buy you a different one at the store so you have something good to read”), I started this blog so that I actually can write about things that make me giggle and not worry about the fact that the reader just wasted an entire 99cents on the Kindle edition of something I wrote. That 99cents could have paid for one-tenth of an eyebrow waxing, or something important like that.
I went ahead and wrote another book just to give people an option. At least now when they say they read my book, I can reply with, “Oh, you didn’t like it? Yeah, you totally should have bought the other book. It was way better.” It doesn’t matter which book they bought in the first place, I can always use that line. If they happened to have bought both books, I’ll just fake having a stroke until they go away.
Having said all of that, my second book is now available on Amazon. Yup. You totally should have bought this one instead of the first one. Actually, if Amazon will let you, you only really need to buy maybe a third of it because (depending on how long you’ve been reading this blog) it’s mostly a compilation of a lot of the funnier posts that appeared here, with a bunch of extra stuff thrown in and some new content. It’s like you had secret backstage access to the book before everyone else in the whole world! Cool, right?
Now for a commercial break: If you would like to purchase the ebook of It Was Like That When I Found It, click right here. The book-book will be available in March, but it’s heavier than the ebook. You can use it to prop open windows or to kill roaches. Either one works.
In case you didn’t know, my first book is available as an ebook and as a book-book now, but it’s not funny. It’s a really mean book where I yell at you for being a completely inept parent. I’m just kidding. I would never yell at you. It’s really about working with autistic kids and some things that I know have worked with our kid. The ebook is HERE and the book-book is HERE.
I feel like one of those timeshare breakfasts where they feed you and offer you a free television but first you have to sit through an eight-hour presentation and then all the other people who got suckered into it develop Stockholm Syndrome and they start pressuring you to buy a vacation week in Omaha for the rest of your life. The only difference is I didn’t hold your children hostage during this commercial. Like I need extra children running around.