Crime Doesn’t Pay But It Sure Makes Me Laugh

I live in a fairly small town. That means other than the occasional single-wide trailer blowing up from meth heads who failed even the most basic of chemistry classes, there isn’t much to report here in terms of crime. Let’s face it, there’s a reason Barney Fife carried that one bullet in a hip pouch.

In order to understand our crime problems, you have to first understand that THIS SHIT made the front page of the paper. Front page news, folks. Of a paper that only gets delivered once a week. And it comes in the mail since hiring delivery drivers isn’t in the budget.

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Thank the lord they cleared up the misunderstanding. For a minute there I thought Lori was into all kinds of animals, but it’s good to know she’s now working on limiting herself to dogs.

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Yes folks, this man does love to grill. I’m not sure how that made the news, but if you don’t plan to report on things like your own governor removing the fake Confederate flag from the courthouse or the SCOTUS decision concerning gay marriage, then this shit becomes really, really important. Please also note that the intrepid reporter uncovered even more dirt on this man: not only does he like to grill, he coaches Little League.

But here’s where the crime report gets really seedy. Please bear in mind that these were actual 911 calls, and that our brothers in blue put themselves out there to respond.

Shit just got real, y'all. That shoe was damaged in the scuffle.
Shit just got real, y’all. That shoe was damaged in the scuffle.
SIX PILLS, PEOPLE! There were SIX of them bad boys! They later turned out to be Excedrin, but so what?
SIX PILLS, PEOPLE! There were SIX of them bad boys! They later turned out to be Excedrin, but so what?
NOOOOOO! Not the phone cord! I mean, "Hands up, not my phone cord! Hands up, not my phone cord!"
NOOOOOO! Not the phone cord! I mean, “Hands up, not my phone cord! Hands up, not my phone cord!”
Dammit, if I had a dollar for every time somebody stole a $50 mower, I could buy... a $50 mower. You throw in the fact that the officers who responded then went on to find a stolen bicycle on the scene, and it's just a crime wave, I tell you what.
Dammit, if I had a dollar for every time somebody stole a $50 mower, I could buy… a $50 mower. You throw in the fact that the officers who responded then went on to find a stolen bicycle on the scene, and it’s just a crime wave, I tell you what.

For the rest of the country who’s veritably wallowing in news like the riots in Tunisia and the fact that Putin wasn’t invited to the G8 summit for being an asshole, I give you what it’s really like to live in a town with its head shoved in the sand. Or up its ass. Take your pick.

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4 thoughts on “Crime Doesn’t Pay But It Sure Makes Me Laugh

  1. A certain part of our county puts out a small newspaper – about once a month, I think – and it’s similar. But even better? They have a Grins & Gripes column that is HILARIOUS!

  2. These are funny. So Clint graduated with a Forensic Science degree but didn’t want to move away (to where he could actually be a forensic scientist). Small towns must rock! Enjoy it now, while it’s still a small. Urban sprawl has a way of creeping up on Y’all…

  3. I love this stuff!

    Many years ago I was living in a small town in Texas. I was going over the Police Blotter report in the local newspaper…it went something like this: Farmer Jones on County Road 16 reported a missing cow and called the Sheriff’s Dept. Officers responded. Cow located. Cow put up.

    Small towns rock!

  4. Never lived in a small town – what’s it REALLY like?

    Around here the township (suburban NJ) does send out automated phone calls and emails if a teen doesn’t come home on time, or Granny wanders off.

    But there’s always the internet…

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