I Can’t Make That Penis Go Away

So I’m lying there on a blanket on the grass, soaking up as much skin-cell rotting sunshine as I could, and having one of those awesome moments with my almost-teenaged daughter. It was the kind of moment that advertising executives forever ruined, because all I could think was, “Any minute now my daughter is going to sit up and ask me what to do if she doesn’t feel so fresh.”

Even though she’s too cool for everything at this age, my daughter was more than willing to play “What Does That Cloud Look Like?” We had some giggles, and I have to admit that some of her clouds actually looked like the thing she said they did. Go you.

Until the wind shifted. Leaves were blown around and we squinted our eyes to keep the dust out. When the gust was over, there was a problem with our clouds. There was a giant penis-shaped cloud that had plopped itself right over our blanket. Apparently, it was Jewish. And a porn star.

I didn’t have my camera with me to take a picture of it, so I hired a sketch artist to illustrate what happened. The artist sucked a little bit.

DAUGHTER: Um…

ME: Yeah…

DAUGHTER: This game is dumb.

ME: No, it’s not. It’s still fun. It’s just been photobombed by something inappropriate.

DAUGHTER: We can’t just stay here looking at it! People are gonna think we’re weirdos!

ME: We’re lying on the ground behind the Walmart and the penis cloud is what makes us weirdos?

DAUGHTER: Aack! Don’t say that word!

ME: What word? Walmart?

DAUGHTER: NO! (the p-word)

ME: Penis?

DAUGHTER: SHHHHHH!

ME: penispenispenispenispenispenispe…

DAUGHTER: Stop!

ME: Fine. WalmartWalmartWalmartWalmart…

DAUGHTER: Mo-ummm! (two syllables. I’m in trouble.) Can’t you do something about that perverted cloud?

ME: Um…like what?

DAUGHTER: I don’t know! Make it go away!

ME: Wow. That’s really flattering, but I don’t control the weather. Just close your eyes until the wind shifts.

DAUGHTER: NO! Then people will look at me and think I’m asleep and this cloud is the thought balloon over my head and I’m dreaming about that thing!

I was seriously proud of her for being afraid that her dreams actually appear outside her head as a thought balloon while she’s asleep. It means she thinks cartoons are real. And if she’s that young, I probably shouldn’t let her sunbathe under a giant penis. We packed it up and headed to the car, but not before I could ask, “Don’t those clouds over there look like two giant boobs?”

“MOM!”

 

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15 thoughts on “I Can’t Make That Penis Go Away

  1. JRB says that you are now the funniest person in the Blogosphere, I agree so, so , so funny, Walmart, Walmart, Walmart (I just can’t bring myself to use the ‘p’ word on here) LoL xx and congratulations on being the Gold medal winner in the make Julia Rachel Barret Snort award

    • That is not an honor that I take lightly. I’d like to thank the Academy for this gold medal, I’d like to thank my parents and the bizarre weather patterns related to global warming that caused the inspirational penis to appear. I’d also like to thank the foundering fathers for inventing freedom of speech, since I can’t go to jail for telling people about my penis experience.

      Thanks!

  2. In a high school horticulture class, the teacher brought in one of these plants. He gave the technical name (which I don’t remember), but he whacked it on the side of the desk, saying it was from the stinkiest of the stinkweed family. And it was. So awful. Gagging, whispering and giggling filled the room.

  3. Shows how much things have changed since I was a kid. If my mom saw an ACTUAL penis right in front of her–IT WOULD NOT EXIST. Not there, just ignore it. I wonder if my mom KNEW the P word……..

  4. You are so freaking hilarious! Sorry, it’s the affect of having spent too much time this vacation with my 14 year old. Your post was so great that I had to interupt my wife’s Kindle reading and read it to her. LMAO!

    -Jimmy

  5. SO funny! And that sketch! LOL.

    What makes it even funnier is that a few months ago my mother and I experienced the same thing. We were driving along and she told me to look up at a cloud ahead of us and commented about the “large penis cloud” clearly in view. Even at this age, I didn’t want her saying it. I cracked up because it did indeed look like a penis. Yay for cool moms. Today is her birthday. I’ll have to laugh with her about that. Great post.

  6. I have a sixteen-year-old daughter. when she was twelve she still liked me and we used to have goofy fun together. one day we were in the car and the Black -Eyed Peas song Lady Humps or whatever its called came on. as Fergie was braggiing abotu her humps and bumps my daughter said, “thank goodness I’m not going to be like mom. having a guy look at huge boobs the way you look at mom’s is too weird.” end scene

  7. I suspect the way to get the penis cloud to go away would be to get lots of people to blow it really hard… Joni Mitchell didn’t put that in the song; that’s a version that Rihanna might sing though!

  8. That brightened up my morning, so very funny! A great post, and despite the obvious awkward subject matter, shows a lovely moment between mother and daughter.

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