YOLOs of the Future

UPDATE: From the comments section, I discovered this morning that the great readers of my blog are really, really smart, because almost no one knew what YOLO stands for. It’s sad, but this post somehow actually makes MORE sense if you do know, so it stands for “You Only Live Once.” I’m sorry for having to tell you that.

For those of you who don’t spend enough time on the internet to know, there’s this concept called YOLO. I was really disappointed to find out it has nothing to do with low-fat frozen yogurt. It sounds like it should. And as much as people use the term YOLO, that yogurt should taste awesome.

Sadly for us dessert fans, YOLO is not only not a yogurt, it’s this asinine slogan that young people with zero responsibilities and zero self-respect use to justify doing stupid stuff, like meth. Or sex with a stranger in the JC Penney fitting rooms. Or meth. People have taken to tossing out the phrase YOLO like it’s the answer to everything, like there are hermits freezing in mountaintop caves in the Himalayas right this very minute just hoping for some lost soul to come ask them what the meaning of life is so they can shrug their shoulders and say, “YOLO.”

You wanna YOLO, my barely post-pubescent philosopher? Try the military. Try only living once by going to college, getting a degree, and curing something that rages uncontrollably throughout the worst regions of Africa. How about you YOLO your ass off by taking a bullet for a pregnant woman in a gas station robbery?

I do have some insight into what your future self would like you to know about YOLO: gonorrhea is permanent. (I’m really insanely proud that I had to spell check “gonorrhea” because I just don’t use the word often enough to know how to spell it right the first time.) After your 18th birthday, most arrest records are permanent, too. So are paternity test results. Keep that in mind.

Oh my gosh, she’s holding the pee end of that stick. How’s that for YOLO?

18 thoughts on “YOLOs of the Future

  1. loved your rant – I guess I’m too old to have heard of “yolo” AND this is the first I heard about gonorrhea being permanent! thanks for keeping me in the know.

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