It never fails. I’m doing something ordinary, nay, completely mindboggingly mundane, and my husband approaches to ask the most dumb-assed of questions: “Whatcha doin?”
It doesn’t matter that my activity at the moment should be fairly self-explanatory, since he likes to ask this question while standing outside the shower door or while I’m elbow-deep in dish suds at the kitchen sink. It’s sad that my husband has lived forty years without realizing people shower or wash dishes. It’s actually quite alarming that he asks me this same question from just outside the bathroom door, like I’d be sitting on the toilet enjoying a Ruben sandwich instead of relieving myself.
I’ve learned to counteract his stupid question with my own equally stupid response. Every time he asks me that question, I’ve learned to answer, “I’m having sex with my Hungarian boyfriend.” This has only backfired one time, but it was epic.
Since I work from my home office, we have a family rule: when Mommy has her headset on, you can’t talk to her because she’s on a business call. But when Offspring the First recently violated the don’t talk rule to ask me, “Whatcha doin’?” both she and the CEO of a Big Six publishing company heard me automatically reply, “I’m having sex with my Hungarian boyfriend!”
The bad news is I had to have the facts of life discussion with my daughter a little sooner than I’d originally planned since I had to explain what sex was. And what Hungarian was. The good news is I have now have a six-book deal with a major publisher to write nasty erotica.
Lorca Damon 
Nasty erotica? What? You get all the luck!
eden
You know me, though. Have you actually envisioned what my brand of erotica would sound like? There would be lots of giggling, probably from the 12yrold kid who walks in on them.
OMG! We’ve both married the same man! I’m so happy to know I am not alone in the “whatchadoin” department. Love your comeback; wish I had a more rapier wit. I just stand there stupefied that someone who chases down bad guys for a living would even ask that. All I can say is “REALLY???”
Funny! He’s a policeman and he can’t assess your situation by looking at it? Wow…call him on that!
You are on to something!! I like the “must have headphones idea”for the young ones. It might be way more effective than “just say no”. We could tell them that only headphones will keep you from getting pregnant……..only Bose headphones……and only if they are actually neon yellow….
Um… what about this six book deal to write nasty erotica? I’d like to hear more and don’t try the old “I’m too busy having sex with my Hungarian boyfriend” excuse!
Yes. We’re in negotiations for a six-book deal of redneck erotica called, “Hillbilly Lovin’.” No we’re not. Even I can’t get behind that project.
Ha! I’m with Susan, nothing wrong with the word cooter! I say you should write redneck erotica – they’ll be short, and you’ll need a good illustrator, but it could be a gold mine. Maybe even branch out into pop-up books! 🙂
On the topic of married men; I believe it’s highly likely that when a man goes for the requisite blood test to prove he doesn’t have TB before a wedding license can be issued, that’s when he gets injected with the stupid gene. Mine does the exact same thing… “What’cha doing?” – “Sleeping dumb-ass, now go away!” ;}
As always, your posts are fun as hell to read. Happy 4th Lorca to you and yours!
Thanks, Happy 4th to you too!
My husband has yet to disturb the sacred institution of sleeping, mostly because he has the utmost respect for snoozes. You win that round!
When it comes to husbands, there is no such thing as winning, just varying degrees of fooling yourself! 😉
LMAO!
What? You mean your not supposed to say the first thing that pops in your head? That’s information I could have used earlier in life. Nice post. 🙂
I think there are many of us who could have used that lesson sometime around the point in which we learned to talk!
For your men readers: Sex phone operator’s are not that pretty.
Just great, Lorca. Now your daughter thinks she needs to wear headphones to have sex with Hungarians.
I’m good with that. Maybe if the opportunity to have casual sex with a foreigner presents itself, lack of available headphones will be the thing that stops her!
HeeHee
Are you aware that your claim is not actually as far fetched as one might think? Lol. The local bus manufacturer actually has bus shells manufactured in Hungary. As such, quite a few Hungarians have lived in the area for extended periods. …gotta admit…the title gave me a double-take. Your slip in front of your daughter and the CEO made me roll in the floor! Lol!!!!
OMG, you’re saying I could actually HAVE the Hungarian boyfriend that I’ve only so far been THREATENING to have??? Life is good…
I hope you weren’t joking about the six book deal. So, WOO HOO!!! If it’s true and, You Silly Goose, if it’s not. 😀
I could never be an erotica writer. I still use words like cooter” and phrases like, “And then they totally DID IT!”
Oh Poop! Still, I sort of like the word “cooter.” 😀