Car dealers are such annoying people that any time I have to interact with one I give a fake name and address, just out of habit. You never want these people to know where to find you. But since my husband has mostly caved on believing that my car is on the brink of collapsing under the weight of its own shittiness, we had to put up with a pushy car salesman. And that’s how we found out the secret to getting them to leave you alone.
SALESMAN: Welcome, folks! Y’all interested in test driving a car today?
HUSBAND: I sure am! (Honey, does this gum cover up the beer smell on my breath?)
ME: (Stop trying to whisper when you’ve been drinking…it just comes out really loud.)
SALESMAN: Um, so what are you looking for in your next car?
ME: Just the basics. A good solid family car. With rapper rims and really dark tinted windows. I don’t like people to see my business when I’m driving.
SALESMAN: Oh. Okay. Well, we sell a lot of this item right here. It’s got blah-blah-blah (I think he was talking about engine sizes or gas mileage or something. I was mesmerized by the inflatable wavy arm man at the end of the lot.) And just LOOK at all that trunk space!
HUSBAND: Oh no. That’s way too much trunk space. (She’ll put my body in there! She’s told people she’s going to kill me and dispose of my body!)
SALESMAN: Oh, now, a little ole thing like her? She just looks too pretty to hurt anybody!
HUSBAND: (You don’t know what she’s capable of! Go for help! NOW!)
ME: Do you have anything with a vinyl trunk? You know, without any carpeting in it at all?
SALESMAN: Um, over here we’ve got this car. It’s our newest vehicle in the family!
ME: Oooo, it’s very shiny. Does it come in all chrome?
SALESMAN: You mean, like a silver paint?
ME: No, I mean, actual chrome. The whole car. See, if you have the entire car done in chrome, it blinds all the other drivers and they can’t bother you.
HUSBAND: (I told you she’s crazy!)
ME: Shut up, or I’m getting the one with the small trunk and then I’ll definitely have to hack you in pieces to dispose of you.
SALESMAN: Uh, and this model here has these convenient storage areas in the back. You just lift this panel and stow your gear, then drop the panel back in place.
ME: Cool! I bet that’s how a lot of people are getting their drugs across the border. In a minivan. Because no one ever suspects the minivans.
SALESMAN: You know, folks, it just sounds like you’re not really sure what you’d like to purchase. How about you just take this car for the next couple of days? See if you like it, and then we’ll talk business then.
ME: Really? I can just take it? How far can I drive it?
SALESMAN: You know, just use it for your everyday kind of stuff, going to work, running errands. Just get a feel for the vehicle, you know?
ME: Suh-weet! Do you have one without any carpeting in the interior either? Just in case…