I know what you’re thinking, you don’t have to say it. You’re thinking about the awesomeness that would be me if I had a jet pack. You’re already envisioning me expertly zooming around and then coming to hover in front of you to hand you that piece of paper your dropped, then zooming off again. I make it look so easy.

But this is me we’re talking about. If somehow this was the future and I was actually wearing a real-live jet pack and then by some strange chance the thing actually worked, flames would shoot out of it and I would end up setting my own ass on fire. The jet pack would go haywire and I would fly haphazardly into stuff, slamming my head off of every surface in the room while the smell of bacon coming from my singed ass flesh made every dog on the block go nuts at the same time (They’ll still have dogs in the future. And bacon). The high rate of speed the jet pack caused me to take would only make the flames worse, fanning the ass flames until I was pretty much just a burned up charcoal briquette.

And you actually think I should have one of these things? You’re sick in the head.

What is actually very cool and very safe for me to use is the leaf blower. I had a lot of fun with that today. It’s a lot like a jet pack, if you’re a leaf and you want to get somewhere by having someone aim the jet at you and blow you in the direction you want to go. I had to use the leaf blower because I was specifically told not to use the leaf blower. But it was my husband who told me not to, so not only does that not count but it’s actually like a command from the Universe to go ahead and do it.

I was really afraid that this would turn into a YouTube video if my neighbors happened to be outside with their camera phones handy and then there would be videos of me falling backwards from the power of the leaf blower. No such luck. I had braced myself for impact and everything. I did, however, learn that rocks are not impervious to the power of the leaf blower. I aimed the leaf blower at the small pile of stuff I was trying to move after my brain powers didn’t get it all the first time and it sent decorative gravel from our flower bed flying in all directions. There’s even a few pieces embedded in the side of my car. If the leaf blower is powerful enough to fling gravel like that, it would stand to reason that I could turn it on its end, strap it to my back, and at least get a little nudge while walking if not actually be lifted off the ground and transported. And it won’t set my ass on fire for even a second.