I used to have a grandmother. Well, technically, I guess like every other mammal on the planet I used to have two of them. But I actually knew this one. Legend has it that this one grandmother was so good at money management that she could…and I quote venerable relatives here…”get three pennies outta one.”
I am here to tell you folks, that’s a lie. One penny back in the olden days still only equaled one penny. And as much as I loved Grandma dearly, part of the reason she was such a good financial planner is she liked to serve her family meals like this one:
Yup. That’s Spam. Broiled, to be exact, with fancy ham-like cuts in it and a pineapple ring on top. Those are even cloves. Grandma was quite the frugal gourmet, let me tell you. She also had this funky dessert involving bananas with mayonnaise instead of Cool-Whip. Even die-hard cheapskates felt sorry for us around the holidays.
But gosh darnit, we’re in a bad economy right now and there’s a lesson to be learned from her attempts at culinary belt-tightening. If Grandma could still serve elegantish meals like honey-glazed Spam at holiday gatherings, so can I. I can even take it a step further by using generic Spam. When you open the pop-top on the can there’s this layer of Poltergeist-like ooze on the surface. Don’t throw that away. You can save even more money by feeding it to the dog or using it to lubricate the bearings on your car.
But just like Grandma, I can’t just plop some lunchmeat product on the table for my dearest kin to eat. I need to lovingly morph this knock-off Spam product into something festive, something that shows my family that I care enough about them to take the time and effort to go the extra mile. Therefore, my family will be feasting on roast Spam on a spit this year for Christmas, complete with an apple in its mouth.
I have nothing better to do than sculpt meat conglomerate made out of pig brains into cute shapes. Enjoy!
Lorca Damon 
You slay me!
Are those cloves for his eyes?
Why, yes they are! Just call me Martha Stewart! (do you seriously think I have whole cloves on hand? They’re burned popcorn kernals. I wish I could tell you I had burned them for this project but no, it’s just a coincidence that I had some burned popcorn lying around.)
Spam has gotten expensive. Since my dad was a soldier and Spam was sold at the commissary for something 18c a can it was indeed a frugal meal. As well as the “spam pretending to be a ham” other of my mom’s favorites were spam and beans, or fried spam sandwiches….I think Monty Python got their inspiration from my mom.
Spam is now $2.50 a can, which is why I had to buy generic. I couldn’t spend $5 on something that I had to wear latex gloves to even photograph for this blog. Irony: I fed each photogenic plate to the two different dogs in our household and then got to use said gloves cleaning up vomit and diarrhea for the rest of the day. Theirs, not mine.
Great story, magnificent sculpture! I am sure your family will enjoy! I may have to copy your idea for my family…nah, they’d probably hurt me.
Merry Christmas,
Ardee-ann
Feel free to sculpt it into other forms. I’m envisioning those ice sculpture swans…
I hate stupid expressions like “three pennies outta one”. Like, “The three most important things in real estate are location, location, location.” That’s one thing, asshole!
But I like your Spam-pig. Bonus points if you sculpt the apple out of scrapple.
Don’t be fooled. That pig will cut you.
I have the pleasure to live in the same state where the Spam Museum is. It is a sight that I have never beheld but I am told it’s quite the humdinger of an attraction. A billboard on the interstate lures you in with: “The Guggenham.”
I need dry pants now. It is now my burning ambition to go to the Guggenham.