The F*** It List

Pole dancing lessons are totally on the list.

There’s really no good reason why I’ve never had a martini. I’ve just never gotten around to it. I’ve actually heard that they’re pretty gross, like drinking watered down battery acid, but apparently there’s a whole segment of the population who chooses vodka over food all the time, so how bad can it be? If I found myself in a bar with nothing else to do and my choices were Dr. Pepper, Korean beer, or a martini, of course I’d swill the vodka in the spaceship cup.

There is a very short list of stuff I’ve never gotten to do that I’m just dying to try, and it’s a pretty eclectic bucket list. Hang gliding looks pretty interesting, I’ve never taken a two-hour zip line tour over the treetops of Costa Rica, and I’ve never been to Mount Rushmore. I think I’d even like to go to a snake handling church just once, just to cheer for the snakes.

However, there is a list of things I’m just not interested in trying, no matter how much someone paid me. It’s my F*** It List, stuff that I just could give a hoot less about. Eating pig testicles is definitely on that list, but it’s not even at the top.

I don’t ever want to feed Alka-Seltzer to seagulls to see if they blow up. If they don’t, you just wasted a lot of expensive Alka-Seltzer. If they do, you just blew up a seagull.

I’ve never eaten a Big Mac. I’m only five-and-a-half feet tall, where would I put it? And who decided to put schloopy Thousand Island dressing on a hamburger? And why is there an extra piece of bread stuffed in there for no reason? I’ve purposely eaten raw horse meat and I still don’t want a Big Mac. Go figure.

I’ve never seen Love Story. Does it have Barbara Streisand in it?

I’ve never been to Wisconsin, but in that particular case I don’t think I’m welcome there. Shut up, I don’t have to tell you why. Well, the feeling’s mutual, Wisconsin, so suck it!

For some reason, I really, really don’t want to try bungee jumping. I’m not even afraid to do it, I just don’t think it would feel great to be slingshotted. (author’s note: I thought I just made up the word slingshotted but my spellchecker’s totally buying it. Someone must have beaten me to it. Thanks a pantsload, Shakespeare.)

While I’m a try-anything-once kind of person, there’s just some things I don’t need to do. I’m sure there are lots more things I have no desire to do, but it just hasn’t come up yet. But I’ve decided to focus on the F***It List, because bucket lists are for people who are dying and I don’t want to do that yet either.

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9 thoughts on “The F*** It List

  1. Save the martini. When I was a newly- married teen I went to a sophisticated NY cocktail party. The hostess asked what I wanted to drink. Since I had NO idea but figured Dr Pepper was a no-go, I asked for a martini like the guy next to me. UGH! I quietly poured it into a potted plant when no one was looking. Then worried for three days that the damn thing would die and they would know who did it. I have since learned that being a grown-up means you can say no whenever you want to. So tell me about Wisconsin…….

  2. No mountain oysters- come on Lorca. So how was the martini? I never eat Big Mac’s in the States but over here– in the big cities- MickeyDees is like a little slice of America.

    • I haven’t had that martini! Now that they’re so much a part of popular culture, I’m afraid they cost a lot and I still might hate them! Besides, do you know how much gas station wine I could buy for the cost of one martini???

  3. Another wonderful post, Lorca. I love this idea, and I’m so going to borrow (i.e. steal) it. I hope you don’t mind. If I do, I will, of course, give you full credit for the idea.

    Who eats pigs’ testicles? I bet they’re on the same menu as monkey brains.
    Yuck!

  4. Great post Lorca, sorry you have missed Big Mac’s. They are so worth the nasty fat and calories, IMHO anyway. Um, raw horse meat…that would be on my F*** It List, no for this chick!

    I think that we agree on bungee jumping but for different reasons and I can’t think of a reason to go to Wisconsin anyway! Don’t let that bum you.

    I never thought of having a F*** It list but it might be interesting. Thanks for the idea!

    Ardee-ann #NaBloWriMo

  5. I’m pretty much a try-anything-once person, too, but I love the idea of the F*** It list.

    At the very top of my F*** It list is travelling anywhere I’m likely to be murdered for the sole crime of being female and visible. Motherhood is second on the list. I have all the maternal instincts of a sea turtle: grunt out some eggs and walk away. Fortunately for all concerned, it’s now physically impossible for me to reproduce.

    Those are the two that came immediately to mind, but now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m sure I’ll come up with more. Great post! 🙂

    • I just don’t like to go to any touristy locations where Americans wake up in their hotel bathtubs submerged in ice with a note telling them they have no kidneys. Other than that, I’m pretty much up for anything!

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