There’s Not Enough Vaseline in My Life. Or Heroin.

I really, really am a good mom. I swear. But I have this one crazy neurosis: when the kiddies are sick (which is almost never), I have to go buy a new thermometer to take their temperature. It’s not that I can’t find ours or that we don’t own one. It’s even worse than that.

I can never remember which one was the rectal thermometer.

I swear we have about eight thermometers in the first aid kit. Yes, I have a first aid kit. What, you thought I’m such a freak that I wouldn’t have one box where all the band-aids and bite sticks go? Jerk.

I’ve even tried writing “Ass” on the rectal thermometer because you would think that would kind of stand out, but it wears off over time and then I’m just not sure which one was which. So every time they are even the littlest bit warm I run to the store and buy a new one before taking my kids’ temperatures, on account of you never know. (note: When my husband is sick I play ass-thermometer-roulette by just reaching in and grabbing one. It makes me giggle, until the next time he kisses me and then I throw up in my mouth because I remember that he might have used a tainted thermometer (pun intended).)

Husband-of-Mine tried to be helpful by telling me to remember which thermometer had been stabbed down in the jar of Vaseline that we keep under the bathroom sink. First, ewww. Second, he had a point. Third, I might have skipped that Vaseline lubing-up step when they were babies. Don’t be stupid, I used KY jelly instead of Vaseline because KY claims that its product is superior for all kinds of inserting of things…just let your mind wander on that one. In my defense, it’s been YEARS since I’ve had to determine a person’s level of illness by cramming something up his or her butt.

All of that over-thinking made me realize that I don’t think I’ve ever used Vaseline for anything. Ever. What’s it even for? I do remember getting jars and jars of it as baby shower gifts, but I also kind of remember throwing them away when we moved because I’d never opened them and they had turned black. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do to a baby that involves petroleum jelly, other than maybe basting them with it before you cook them over a spit. Kidding. No, I’m not.

As for the usual colds and sicknesses, other than lubing up a rectal thermometer I don’t think Vaseline really comes into play as a remedy. My husband does do this weird swirl-it-on-a-Qtip-and-wipe-inside-his-nostrils with it when he’s extra snotty, but that’s not something that has ever appealed to me. I’ve never been sick enough to think that slathering in Vaseline would cure me. Nyquil, yes. Heroin, maybe. Crack, definitely. But not Vaseline.