This Is OnStar. You’re Gonna Die.

Isn’t it weird just how often I have to start a blog post by SWEARING that I really do love my husband? Luckily, loving my husband and messing with his brain to the point that he’s afraid to go to sleep around me are not mutually exclusive.

I am very, very proud of my husband. He got a new job with a massive-assed promotion, and now he has all these perks like super health insurance and golf vacations and a company car.

And a smart phone.

He’s never owned a smartphone. Whenever my smartphone rings, he walks over to me holding it out like it’s made of weapons-grade plutonium while announcing that it’s ringing (like we all couldn’t hear it ringing), just so I can swipe my finger across the screen and answer it. He hates my phone because it has a touch-screen keypad and he dials nine wrong numbers every time he tries to order a pizza.

Not only does he now have a smartphone, it’s linked through the Bluetooth in his new car. And he doesn’t know that.

Repeat: he doesn’t know that his phone is connected through the Bluetooth in his car.

And just because every once in a while he says or does something stupid that is worthy of punishment, I wait until he backs out of the driveway and I call his smartphone, knowing that it will activate the Bluetooth.

And I pretend to be the lady from OnStar, telling him that his brakes aren’t working.

Yes, I use my best soothing computer voice (like Hal from 2001) and I say, “Good morning, Mr. Damon. This is OnStar. Please move the vehicle to the right-hand side of the road.”

“What?” he yells (because you should yell at a computer when you don’t know what it’s doing).

“This is OnStar. Vehicle malfunction detected. Please move your vehicle to the right-hand side of the road.”

“My car’s working just fine!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Damon, but a vehicle malfunction has been detected. Initiating troubleshooting…buffering…buffering…brake system misalignment, fluids are low.”

“What?! No, look! I have brakes! See?”

(This is where he starts pumping the brakes over and over, confusing the hell out of the people behind him. I know this because every once in a while one of my girlfriends picks me up and we follow him, just for laughs.)

“”It is imperative that you stop applying the brakes, Mr. Damon. Brake system shutdown commencing.”

“WHAT?! No! Don’t shut off the brakes!”

“Please move to the right-hand side of the road and wait for assistance.”

“I’m not waiting for a tow truck! I have to get to work! The car drives just fine!”

“Please cease vehicle operation, or OnStar will assume control of your vehicle.”

“Holy hell! You can’t drive my car! I’M driving my car!”

“Brake system default setting requires reactivation. Please enter the key code.”

“What key code?”

“Enter the 22-digit key code, or the vehicle will come to a complete stop.”

“I can’t come to a complete stop, I’m on the interstate!”

“Enter the 22-digit key code, or the vehicle will come to a complete stop.”

“Don’t you DARE stop this car! I’m doing eighty in four-lane traffic!”

“Your current speed exceeds the maximum allowable speed limit for your zone. Please move the vehicle to the right-hand side of the road and wait for the police.”

“I swear, if I get a ticket I’m coming after you!”

Every time we have a power outage during the night, I pull this same prank, only I pretend that the system got reset with a UK default. I use a British voice, and keep insisting that he move to the left-hand side of the road and pop the lid on the “bonnet.” Luckily, there is an entire global economy of voices to try. I’m actually holding auditions for people with really hard-to-understand accents for next week’s prank.