My Fat Wakes Me Up at Night

There was a time only two years ago when I actually had to order Levi’s jeans online because our local stores didn’t carry anything smaller than a size four. Don’t stab me. I was finally directed to the juniors/girls section because the saleslady realized I was short enough to pull off wearing little girl pants.

Before you gnash your teeth and shake your fists to the sky over how unfair it is that some people are genetically tiny, let me tell you that I am teeth-gnashing right alongside you. I am not genetically skinny, but at the time I was a marathon runner and triathlete. My training schedule would have made the Olympic committee proud (I am also not genetically fast, so there really was no contact from said Olympic committee).

Then something terrible happened: I actually wrote a book that people wanted to read, and that made me become a writer. Gone were the frivolous hours in the evenings when I could put my children to bed then go for a thirteen mile run. Those hours were now taken up with me sitting on my enlargening ass in front of a computer screen.

And while I am now solidly tricking myself into believing these size eight pants aren’t too tight to wear to work, I am tired of waking up during the night because fat that didn’t used to be there only a matter of months ago is now rubbing against different fat that didn’t used to be there, either. It’s very disconcerting.

I know a lot of people who have a few pounds they could stand to lose, and those people tend to grab whole handfuls of their flesh and announce, “I need to lose weight.” I, on the other hand, carefully arrange my new fat rolls into odd shapes and tuck it into different parts of my clothing and announce, “Thank god I don’t have to go run thirteen miles tonight.” I said I DID run, not that I WANTED to run.

So for now, I’m inventing a new line of clothing that keeps all parts of your body from touching other parts of your body. Titanium fiber is involved. It looks a lot like those suits from the Tron movies, only it doesn’t light up because blue glowing pinstripes are incredibly unflattering and they’ll be mistaken for varicose veins. Of course, if I begin a whole new career path of inventing clothing that keeps my fat from waking me up, I’ll have to give up the extra time in my day that I used to use for personal hygiene. There’s no line of clothing for that.

My clothes will make people look like that. Really.