When your husband calls you up and says, “Honey, I’ve put some extra money in your checking account and I want you to go get a new outfit,” be careful. BE CAREFUL. In my world, it means that turkey season is upon us and I need new pants.Make it so.
In our house, I’m the big dog when it comes to the kids. Daddy’s the softy, Mom’s the one who might poison you a little bit to teach you a lesson about back-talking your elders. So it’s really rare that I EVER use those fateful words, “Wait til your Daddy gets home.”
But yesterday was one of those days. And it was glorious.
My oldest child, all five feet tall of her, seriously wanted to know if she could have a certain kind of clothing that the “other kids” were wearing. I should have been suspicious right away, but I waited to see how this “other kids are wearing it” story played out. I let her keep talking as she described the clothing. Then I asked her where we would buy this clothing.
“At vieoshctonahrias shiejfcrehnnt.”
“See, I know what you did there. You mumbled, thinking I wouldn’t be able to hear you well enough to understand that you just said YOU WANTED ME TO BUY YOU CLOTHING FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET!”
She was stunned. The best part was my near-reaction which quickly evolved into nothingness.
“No, I’m not going to say anything. I’m going to let you ask Daddy and he can decide. But I get to be there when you ask him.”
“Because I want to watch.”
My husband did not disappoint. It took a full three minutes on the clock for his right eye to stop twitching. He eventually resorted to holding both eyelids open and staring at her as she continued to talk about how all of the other TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS got to wear Victoria’s Secret, how all of the other TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS’ parents bought their clothes for them there, etc. TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS etc.
He really never did get her to understand why he had an issue with it, so he also had to resort to one of the mainstays of parenting: “Because I said so.”
I, however, have a way with words.
“Sweetie, Victoria’s Secret is known for bras and panties.”
“So? I wasn’t asking for bras and panties, I wanted the sweat pants.”
“I know, but if you walk around in Victoria’s Secret sweatpants, people might think there are Victoria’s Secret bras and panties under your clothes.”
“Do you want all of the TWELVE-YEAR-OLD boys at your school thinking about your bras and panties?”
“I didn’t think so.”
For now, we’ve managed to steer her towards some more…age appropriate…clothing lines. Like Turtlenecks R Us.