Stabby Love is NOT a Good Basis for a Relationship

Look! This knife matches my outfit and the blood stains won't show on the blade!

I love everybody. Doesn’t matter who they are, what they are, or what kind of pantyhose they like to slip on for an evening of surfing the internet from the darkened privacy of their homes. There are very few people that I even don’t care for, let alone hate. I sleep well at night.

So if I ever have this uncanny urge to stab you until you resemble a sea sponge, you know you’ve done something wrong on the galactic level. The person who took my dog is on the sponge list and so is the teacher who yelled at my daughter. If I ever get to meet any real-life pedophiles in a spot without any surveillance cameras, they are in actual danger of being stabbed with whatever I find handy, and hopefully it’s really dull and rusty and contaminated with small pox.

I don’t think I’m mean enough to actually enjoy stabbing someone and the sound of pulling off a chicken leg really creeps me out so I’d be willing to bet that I couldn’t pull off a full-scale lethal poke of someone. I’m sure I’d be more of a potentially severe scraper, kind of close-shaving my victims. Maybe break the skin a little and hope that a nasty infection set in. It’s fun to think about, though, especially with eerie horror-move sound effects playing in the background. Maybe someone else can make the squish-squish-squish noise and I’ll just do the stabby motions like on Psycho. Either way, don’t piss me off unless you want to endure a really intense razor burn.