I have already explained that a large part of being a writer involves looking up really stupid stuff on the internet. I seriously don’t know where Hemingway got his ideas since the world wide web didn’t exist when he was hammering away on the old Royal. That must have been some really awesome Cuban rum he was always drinking, although I’ll admit that with the right number of mojitos I can become wordily inspired, too.

So there I was, researching stuff online and one thing led to another which led to an asinine video which led me to have to Google “sexually transmitted rabies.” We don’t have Dish Network at my house, don’t take this from me.

And here’s what I found out. Yes, rabies can be sexually transmitted. Between two people, stupid, not by having sex with raccoons. But I also discovered a different article that says no, it cannot be transmitted sexually. (I did learn that it can be transmitted by donating your organs if you die from rabies, which sadly happens a lot more often than I want to think about.) Apparently, there hasn’t been any real consensus yet on getting rabies by doing the nasty, either with an infected human or an infected woodland creature. You have been warned.

All of that life altering confusion made me really sad because I tend to rely on the internet for a lot of drastically important information like how much money I have in the bank and how long it’s going to be until the delivery guy shows up with my pizza. I also rely on the internet to tell me which candidate is being the least stupid this week. And I can’t even find out if having sex with a redneck who was bitten by a contagious squirrel is going to kill me?

I was going to suggest for a second that someone should be policing the internet to make sure it isn’t lying to me, but then I remembered that Congress is trying to get all Nazi-Fahrenheit-451 and censor the internet. I won’t stand for that since there is no way a possibly-Republican government censored internet is going to let me Google the phrase “riding a unicycle naked” for my next book.