Fifth grade girls everywhere are living under the horrible misconception that unicorns are awesome in some way. Despite being specifically mentioned in the Bible (look it up, Mr. Doubty Pants… it’s in Job), they’re not fantastic. They’re kind of bordering on evil.

Evil might be a strong and somewhat libelous word, and I don’t want to be sued by their lobbyists, but I have to share some horrible news with the internets: Unicorns are kind of jerks. There are so many rumors floating around out there about how they’re magical and their horns have special powers and they rescue princesses from orgies (I mean, ogres) but in fact, they just have really good PR people. I have found proof (again, on the internets) that they are jerks.

Exhibit A: They don’t appear at the end of rainbows. They actually poop rainbows. You know those rainbows are just full of E. coli.

Exhibit B: They are of the Devil. Look at those things and tell me you don’t expect Rosemary’s baby to ride up in your yard on the back of one of those.

Exhibit C: Unicorns make people feel bad about themselves for not being as awesome as unicorns are rumored to be.

Exhibit D: Unicorns have joined Fox News in a smear campaign against our President.

Yes, there appears to be only one solution to the rumors circulating about unicorns (don’t worry, I’m not going to call it the “internets” again. I have a neighbor who calls it that, and it was funny the first time I used it but the second time was kind of aggravating, even to me).