Okay, I Finally Have Peenis Envy

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…I’m actually a really normal person. Bwahahaa! I just spit coffee on my computer screen for even typing those words!

No, let me try again. I have multiple personality disorder (more coffee spitting!) and only a handful of my personalities should probably be under medical and/or FBI supervision at all times.

What I’m really trying to say is I actually write for about twelve different blogs, and only some of them are weird as half-broiled shit. Some of them are normal, and dare I say, some of them are even quite useful. There’s all kinds of serious, newsworthy information on them, and they’re chock full of intelligence.

Then there’s this blog that you’re reading right now. Sorry.

Here’s why I’m telling you this. On my normal blogs, people reach out to me with press releases, software updates, secret news about all kinds of cool inventions and gadgets and doohickeys, and if it is in line with the blog’s readership, I’ll write about it. It’s pretty cool. Random packages of cool tech gear show up at my house at all times. I received a product almost a year ago that is a direct competitor to a device that rhymes with Crapple Gotch. See? Cool things are happening over in normal land.

So what do people send me to write about on THIS blog?

Urine Funnels.

Yes, a lovely product that claims to let women finally a) pee standing up and b) write their names in the snow showed up at my house unannounced. All thoughts that this could be a revenge plot to give me an STD by sending me a used urine funnel flew right out of my head the second I opened the package. This product…nay, this invention to beat all inventions…this device that surely Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and the United Nations had all come together to create was MINE!

So how do you NOT try it? Duh.

Here’s the problem with holding a funnel over your hooha and peeing (no wait, there are lots of problems with this):

1. If I ever walk into a seedy-looking ladies’ room and all the feet in the stalls are facing the wrong way, my ninja skills are gonna flare up like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

2. This particular model does not go all compact for easy carrying, so unless you want to clip this thing to the outside of your purse or just stop carrying a wallet to make room for it inside your purse, it’s not going with you.

3. Here’s the real bitch: once you’ve actually used it (Yes, as a matter of fact, I tried it…I’m morally obligated to try out the product before I can review it. Plus I was peeing standing up! I haven’t gotten to do anything dramatically different involving my own urine since college!), you’re now stuck holding a funnel that is dripping with your own urine. You not only get to wipe yourself while holding it, you then get to attempt to get your pants up one-handed without letting anything drip on your shoes.

4. If I’m ever washing my hands at a sink in a public restroom and a lady comes up to the sink next to me to wash out her urine funnel, I’m gonna cut her throat and use that funnel as her new breathing tube.

So dear manufacturers of the Lady Pee Funnel 5000, I’m sorry. You just didn’t think this through all the way. Make it small enough to go in a handbag but big enough to still make us feel like men when we pee, then make it out of some magically hydrophobic material that ejects ALL of the pee droplets when you’re done, and you might have yourself a winner. Once we do finally get that peeing standing up thing working like clockwork, maybe then we can close the wage gap and finally resolve this whole reproductive rights broohaha.

I crap you negative, this thing is for real.
I crap you negative, this thing is for real.