I have spoken about my trip to New York for so long that the rest of you have probably grown a little tired of being jealous of my awesome life. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not all White Album martinis and library cards. No, I made the mistake of falling asleep on the train ride back to my hotel and when I woke, I realized I’d been robbed.

One of my contact lenses was missing.

Somehow without the other passengers noticing (or maybe they did notice and they all fell prey to Awkward Bystander Syndrome), the thief pried my eyelid open and took my contact lens. Fortunately, the approach of the train conductor scared him off before he could get the other contact lens.

I know you might be wondering, “Is there really any street value in used contact lenses?” And I would have to say the answer is: “I don’t know.”

And though you might doubt my story, I will tell you that this HAS to be the truth. The only other explanation is that the contact lens migrated to the back of my eyeball and is permanently stuck there, melting into the surface at this very moment and causing eyeball cancer. Somehow, I would rather believe that a street person actually stuck his fingers in my eye and took it to wear like an invisible monocle.