There Goes My Plan to Open a Llama Brothel

As always, I’m a day late to the picnic, meaning that just when I latch onto a great idea, somebody beat me to it. In this case, it’s the government of Germany.

Just when I was CERTAIN that I could make a fortune by raising farm animals with the express purpose of renting them out to weirdos for sex parties, Germany had to go and ban zoophilia farms. I’ll be right back, I have to go throw up before finishing this blog post.

Okay, I’m back. Apparently, there are underground animal love farms (well, okay, the farms are not actually under the ground) where tourists can do some heavy petting. For money. I’m sorry, nope, I’ll be right back again.

Okay, I’m back. Here’s the absolutely golden best part of this story: animal love advocates are angry that the government is shutting them down. Wait, I think…no, I’m good.

I seriously need a bumber sticker for whichever advocacy group thinks you should be allowed to have sex with a llama. Because I’m totally going to stick it on my friend’s car. I figure it will take weeks of honking and ugly stares from the other motorists before he thinks to go check and see if there’s something wrong with his bumper. And when he goes back there, yes, there will be something horribly wrong with his bumper.

Even better, this sparked the creation of the anti-advocating-sex-with-animals-group, so now there’s an organized group of people who protest the animal love people. It is SERIOUSLY called “Veterinarians Against Zoophilia.” I’m sorry, I’m gonna need one of those bumper stickers, too.

The absolute worst part of this whole story is it was brought to you by the Huffington Post. Be sure to check out the slide show of mug shots of people who’ve been arrested for having pictures of animal porn on their computers. I’m gonna go throw up again.

Dude, really, she’s totally giving you the look. You should go get her number.