You… You LIED To Me!

The entire internet was invented so old people could forward ridiculous emails to their entire contact lists and overachieving (and probably medicated) stay-at-home moms can post pictures of food they cooked for their adoring families. Forget that whole “global launch system” and the stock market, no. The internet is really just for other people’s amusement. And I am powerless to stop it.

If I had the brainpower to write a computer virus, there is one person in particular who would be in grave danger of receiving a malicious email from me. I can’t just block her emails because there is a slight chance I might be mentioned in her will since I was her oldest grandchild’s babysitter, and with the economy in the condition it’s in, I can’t afford to burn any bridges. Apart from the ten emails a day that she forwards that were stolen straight out of Paul Harvey or Reader’s Digest, sometimes sharing a funny story but more often than not accusing Obama of being both a Muslim and the Anti-Christ and sometimes a founding member of the Ku Klux Klan (let that one sink in), she sends out her own original emails entitled, “Happy Thought for the Day.”

First, if you’ve read this blog for more than a week, you would know that I don’t appreciate any unsolicited offers of Happy Thoughts that don’t include Valium.

Second, don’t lie to me on the internet. Despite my daughter’s new favorite commercial with the “they can’t put stuff on the internet that isn’t true” dummy, don’t press FORWARD on crap that is just so blatantly a lie that you become a liar by association. Today’s Happy-Thought-I’m-A-Liar example:

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars.”- LES BROWN

FALSE. Stop lying to people with false hope. The nearest star (after the Sun, of course) is  Proxima Centauri, a red dwarf star located at a distance of 4.2 light-years away. Even if you were lucky enough to have a rocket in your backyard and clearance to launch, you would die of suffocation and starvation before you made it there. Your carcass would be raisiny and perfectly preserved from lack of decomposition as it floated around the universe for all time under its own frictionless direction. Basically, that quote right there is giving you permission to try to go to the moon but to also be such a monumental screw-up that you waste billions of dollars on your own space program only to go flying right past the moon (probably due to a math error… or possibly a geography error) and end up really hungry and gaspy before dying in a tin can you built out of spare parts.

And THAT is my Happy Thought for today? Someone please write me a virus, quickly.*

*NOTE: that request for a virus was NOT an invitation for someone to infect MY computer with the virus. Please don’t be a douche.