Butt Sweat Is a Very Special Kind of Sweat

All around the country, horrible weather patterns are causing mayhem and general inconvenience. Except where I live. Here, the sun is still beating down on our unfortunate heads, sunburning us to the consistency of day-old bacon but without the yummy side effect of smelling awesome. In fact, we tend to have whole different smell situations cropping up on a regular basis: butt sweat.

There are different kinds of sweat. I have nothing to base that on except a Secret deodorant commercial I saw in the 80s, but no one has intentionally disproven that to me, so that’s what I’m gonna go with. The worst of the different kinds of sweat has got to be butt sweat.

Butt sweat happens when your rear end gets overheated. (What, you were expecting something profound?)

But the havoc that butt sweat causes goes beyond the damage wrought by other kinds of sweat because it makes our pants look like we’re incontinent. It chafes our little behinds because it usually occurs while sitting on a metal bleacher for sixteen hours straight. It seeps into the upholstery of our cars and sofas, forever ruining the resale value of either one. If only there was something we could do!

And then this happened…


I swear I don’t get paid for endorsing products on this website, which is good since I don’t recall ever actually endorsing anything. Making fun of? Yes. Recommending? No. Unless you count the alcohol I keep talking about, which could be mistakenly taken as an endorsement (I’m not recommending alcohol to people, because then there would be less of it for me).

But this product is great because somewhere out there a conference room is filled with people discussing the new formula and how dry it keeps their butts. There’s an advertising department slaving away to create great commercials that won’t be banned in 36 countries. There’s a graphic arts department trying to fix the logo while the CEO screams, “No! I want his butt to be BIGGER! REDDER! More butt sweaty-looking!” and wishing they had all chosen different majors. There’s even a delivery man wearing an oversized floppy hat, dark sunglasses, and a fake mustache to avoid anyone recognizing him as he drives across the country in a truck with this giant monkey’s ass on it, even while all the other truckers at the truck stop point and laugh at him.

And all is right with the world.