I Don’t Have a Really Good Excuse for Not Owning a Globe

I was watching TV the other day, and it’s a toss up as to whether it was Dancing with the Stars or Hoarders. I despise both of those shows, but they aren’t so bad that I will actually use calories to get up and get the remote if they come on. My husband was working on something silently at the kitchen counter.

HIM: Where do we keep our globe?

ME: Did you try the garage?

HIM: Why would it be in the garage?

ME: That’s where we keep really, really big stuff.

HIM: Globes aren’t big.

ME: Of course they are. They are the whole planet.

HIM: It’s not in there.

ME: Where else have you looked?

HIM: Nowhere. I just wanted you to tell me where it is so I don’t have to look for it.

ME: I know. And THAT is why I suggested you look in the garage. We don’t actually have a globe.

HIM: Are you sure?

ME: Let me think about it.

HIM: You’re being mean again, aren’t you?

ME: Yup.

HIM: Do we seriously not own a globe? That just blows my mind.

ME: THAT is what’s going to keep you awake tonight? Our lack of globe ownership?

HIM: We just seem like globe people.

ME: Well, sorry. We’re four-foot-by-six-foot-wall-map people. It’s been hanging in the hallway for eight years.

HIM: I can’t use a map. It doesn’t tell you how far apart the countries are.

ME: When did that happen?

HIM: What?

ME: When did the cartographers of the world get together and decide that maps should be completely pointless? OF COURSE they tell you how far apart the countries are! Use the little scale at the bottom.

HIM: That little line? It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just decorative.

ME: So, are the words, “One inch equals one hundred miles,” also decorative?

HIM: That’s real? An inch really is one hundred miles on this map?

ME: Remember how I’m so bad at math that I’m not even allowed to write in the checkbook? How is it that I knew this, and you didn’t?

HIM: Why would you expect me to know that stuff? I’ve never used a map.

ME: So, Magellan, how was the life growing up carrying a globe around on the front seat of the car?

It’s great when I finally get to pretend to be the smart one, so I kept that conversation going a lot longer than I should have, and way past the point of being funny.

UPDATE: I remember what I was watching on TV now. It was Storage Wars, which I only know because I kid you not, one of the auctioned storage units had a globe! It was like falling through a time portal, or something.