I Got Totally Gipped on this Elk I Bought

I really try to avoid dabbling in black market purchases, because with my luck, I’d end up accidentally purchasing an endangered elephant tusk filled with heroin and ground up black rhino horn. Even though the inmates at the jail taught me how to buy pot in the local government assisted housing (not kidding…kinda wish I was. Okay, really wish I was…), I’m just too chicken to buy any kind of contraband whatsoever. The guy could still be wearing his cop uniform and holding his Narc School Diploma, and I would still be clueless enough to fall into his sting operation.

So when I was offered the chance to procure a really big buttload of elk meat, I approached the deal with a lot of caution. How could I be sure that this wasn’t black market elk that had been inhumanely killed AND it was the last surviving male of the species? With my luck, there would have been oodles of elk running around, and I would be the person to illegally buy the last known elk because they had all died of rot-hoof, or something. I could be facing hard time.

Luckily, I happen to know the person who shot this contraband elk, and it was all on the up and up. He shot it, someone packaged it, I froze it. The end.

Except, I’m starting to notice a couple of things. First of all, unless this was an anorexic elk, there’s way too little meat. Unless elk are nothing but fluff, this thing is scrawny. Also, this elk tastes very cow-y, like maybe the little bit of meat they did manage to scrape off the bone was so puny that they had to mix it with beef, just to make it fill up more than a zip lock sandwich baggie.

On the bright side, elk is a very tender meat, at least the parts that are genuine elk. It doesn’t have the gamey taste that bald eagle does and it has far less gristle than polar bear. Oh stop, you know I don’t eat endangered food. I would be so busted if I did.