Today’s Agenda: Blackmail

I was flipping through a catalog of cutesy home items, mostly out of boredom but never because I ever intend to own a cookie jar in the shape of a pig that oinks when you open the lid. I did, however, find one item in the pages that I absolutely cannot live without, and for that matter, I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without it.

A blackmail organizer.

I had no idea that I could actually purchase a wall-mounted wooden shelf complete with individual dividers that would help me keep my extortion in nice neat piles, organized not only by first letter of recipient’s last name, but also by month that it is due. I hate it when Christmas rolls around and I get behind on mailing out my letters demanding payment to keep quiet about how drunk someone got at the office party or who was caught doing the nasty at the church bake sale.

Because I’m not an idiot, I quickly realized that there was a space missing between black and mail. Further proof of the error was the purplemail organizer just below it. Even more sadly, if we’re going to allow an error like that to slip through, why couldn’t we also have a spelling error so that I can actually have a blackmale organizer? I would totally pay money to have Dwayne Johnson come to my house and put everything I owned in nice neat piles. I have a sick feeling that The Rock will not be showing up to do my bidding, shirtless or otherwise.

Tell me you wouldn't have this man over for some light housework.

Do us all a favor and proofread, you bunch of douche canoes.