Don’t Judge…He Really Deserves It

My husband really is a great guy, even if I sometimes find myself having to repeat those words as a mantra of sorts.I could certainly do worse than to have a husband who goes to work, pays the bills, loves the kids, and at least pretends that he should keep himself in good physical shape.

Sadly, my husband doesn’t read my blog, so he’ll never know those things. While I can freely write them for the entire internet to see, if I were to walk up and tell him how pretty close to great his is, it would just result in him getting to be too big for his britches. Gotta keep ’em humble. And a little bit afraid, but that’s another post.

His major character flaw right now, though, is that he absolutely cannot stand our little dog. His hatred of this poor little animal knows no bounds. I, too, am not this animal’s biggest fan, but (mostly as a reaction to his venom) I am on the brink of painting her nails and carrying the little thing around in a Kenneth Cole handbag.

The dog’s greatest flaw is her constant need to use our entire house as her personal toilet, something that my germaphobe husband cannot live through. (I forgot to mention that he’s a germaphobe…it’s Hill. Air.Eee.Us). Whenever the dog has a tinkle moment (if you carry the dog in a purse, you have to refer to it as tinkling), my husband gets on the floor with eight chemicals and a portable carpet shampooer and begins scrubbing at the spot like Lady MacBeth on crack.

So here’s the fun part: I’ve been going through the house for the past month spilling shot glass-sized puddles of water on the floors. I’ll give you a dollar if you don’t tell him.

It’s absolutely hysterical to see him calmly walk into a room, stop, turn, peer closely at the tell-tale spot on floor, dab it with his toe to see if it’s actually wet, then go positively ape-shit and start gathering his supplies. He drops to the floor cussing under his breath and scrubs violently for about ten minutes.

The best part is, I’ve also been keeping a map of where I’ve done this and I’m rotating out the spots so eventually he will have deep-cleaned the entire floor. The living room carpet should be finished by sometime next week and you can now see your reflection in the kitchen grout.

My dog is neither this smart nor this athletic.