It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Pair of Underwear

Despite pretty much sucking at it, I really do love to write. Unfortunately, the aforementioned sucking keeps me from being paid to write fiction or novels or any of the highbrow literary stuff that gets you a seat on Oprah’s couch. I do, however, get paid to write, just not books. Or anything longer than about 500 words, because apparently my readers tend to slip into a coma if they read my work for too long.

Therefore, I get paid to write articles and even I have to admit that it’s a little bit cool and it’s actually pretty fun. Today, by way of example, I got to write an article about DC Comic’s re-release of the Justice League series. For those of you not in-the-know, that’s Superman and all of the people he hangs out with, except when he’s being Clark Kent and he has to pretend he doesn’t know them if they bump into each other at the mall. Kind of like how I cannot make myself look my gynecologist in the eye if I accidentally see her at Walmart. I know where those eyes have been.

The nice people at DC Comics sent me all kinds of useful information about their characters and the relaunch, including some really helpful artwork to go with my article. Unfortunately, I can only name about three people in the picture of the Justice League. Superman is a given, Batman is pretty obvious, and I know Wonder Woman because I had some Wonder Woman Under-Roos when I was a kid. If you were born before 1976 you know what Under-Roos are; if you weren’t, well, Superman pretty much wore Under-Roos for the last seventy years.

The great thing about the updated super heroes is that Wonder Woman finally gets a pair of pants. I don’t know how comic book illustrators or fans ever expected her to kick ass in that American-flag-slash-overblown-panties outfit she used to wear, but they’ve done away with the granny panties and given her a pair of pants. Sadly, the red bustier she’s still wearing won’t let her raise her arms over her head without popping out of it, let alone lasso bad guys with her awesome glowing golden rope, but…baby steps. In a few years she might actually get to wear a shirt over her intimate apparel.

I am also completely jazz-hands about the fact that Superman no longer wears his underwear outside of his pants. Yes, I realize the man is, in fact, an alien from another planet and even immigrants to this country sometimes don’t know our cultural norms concerning wardrobe, especially if they’re from one of the burka countries. But surely to goodness someone in the last seventy years would have pulled him aside and told him he got the steps reversed when it came to putting on his pants.

I’m still a little frightened by the massive athletic supporters that the male superheroes are forced to wear, like the sheer size of their manhood tucked safely inside a titanium cup is going to intimidate the bad guys into just surrendering. We’ll have to work on that, DC.

Overall, the updated looks and new story lines are pretty exciting. Bat Girl is no longer in a wheel chair (duh, have you been living under a rock? She got SHOT by the Joker YEARS AGO!) and can walk again, but she’s also apparently a lesbian. Not kidding. Clark Kent is now single and Lois Lane is dating someone else. Spoiler alert: Batman is still a tortured soul who doesn’t actually have any super powers, but it’s okay, the Super Friends are still going to let him hang out with them but they’re totally gonna talk about him behind his back. At least he knows how to wear his underwear.