Despite having been told many, many times not to call him with car questions because he doesn’t know anything about cars, I called my husband with a car question.

ME: I was driving and I didn’t do anything, but now there’s a warning light on.

HIM: I’ve told you not to call me about cars. I don’t know anything about cars. We have THREE road-side assistance memberships, call one of them.

ME: Why do we have three?

HIM: Because I sign up and pay the annual fee, and then you do crazy stuff to your car and we wear out our welcome with the roadside assistance people.

ME: Well, the car still works and it’s not making any noises. It just has this light.

HIM: (sigh) What does it say?

ME: AUTO LSD. It says my car is high.

HIM: (silence)

ME: I’m not making this up.

HIM: Your car isn’t high.

ME: How do you know? You just said you didn’t know anything about cars, and when I tell you that my car is very clearly confessing to an LSD addiction, you just blow it off like it’s no big deal. This car is CRYING OUT FOR HELP and you. don’t. care.

HIM: Did you ask yourself how your car would have gotten LSD?

ME: You know where I work. That part of town is lousy with drug dealers. Someone could have laced the gas at the gas station I use.

HIM: (silence)

ME: I told you I wasn’t making this up. Now I think it’s hallucinating. The GPS screen is playing some drugged-out version of that movie The Wall.

HIM: That would be the backup camera.

ME: If it’s the backup camera, shouldn’t the images be in reverse?

HIM: Only if you’re driving backwards.

ME: But I’m not. So it’s all just a hallucination. This car is strung out and needs professional help.

HIM: Please don’t call the roadside assistance people. I can’t afford a fourth membership.