There’s really no good reason why I’ve never had a martini. I’ve just never gotten around to it. I’ve actually heard that they’re pretty gross, like drinking watered down battery acid, but apparently there’s a whole segment of the population who chooses vodka over food all the time, so how bad can it be? If I found myself in a bar with nothing else to do and my choices were Dr. Pepper, Korean beer, or a martini, of course I’d swill the vodka in the spaceship cup.

There is a very short list of stuff I’ve never gotten to do that I’m just dying to try, and it’s a pretty eclectic bucket list. Hang gliding looks pretty interesting, I’ve never taken a two-hour zip line tour over the treetops of Costa Rica, and I’ve never been to Mount Rushmore. I think I’d even like to go to a snake handling church just once, just to cheer for the snakes.

However, there is a list of things I’m just not interested in trying, no matter how much someone paid me. It’s my F*** It List, stuff that I just could give a hoot less about. Eating pig testicles is definitely on that list, but it’s not even at the top.

I don’t ever want to feed Alka-Seltzer to seagulls to see if they blow up. If they don’t, you just wasted a lot of expensive Alka-Seltzer. If they do, you just blew up a seagull.

I’ve never eaten a Big Mac. I’m only five-and-a-half feet tall, where would I put it? And who decided to put schloopy Thousand Island dressing on a hamburger? And why is there an extra piece of bread stuffed in there for no reason? I’ve purposely eaten raw horse meat and I still don’t want a Big Mac. Go figure.

I’ve never seen Love Story. Does it have Barbara Streisand in it?

I’ve never been to Wisconsin, but in that particular case I don’t think I’m welcome there. Shut up, I don’t have to tell you why. Well, the feeling’s mutual, Wisconsin, so suck it!

For some reason, I really, really don’t want to try bungee jumping. I’m not even afraid to do it, I just don’t think it would feel great to be slingshotted. (author’s note: I thought I just made up the word slingshotted but my spellchecker’s totally buying it. Someone must have beaten me to it. Thanks a pantsload, Shakespeare.)

While I’m a try-anything-once kind of person, there’s just some things I don’t need to do. I’m sure there are lots more things I have no desire to do, but it just hasn’t come up yet. But I’ve decided to focus on the F***It List, because bucket lists are for people who are dying and I don’t want to do that yet either.