Words with Friends is kind of like this popularity club where you not only get to see who likes you whenever they start a game with you, but then you get to prove how smart you are and pretend it was all just random chance because the Universe just gave you good letters.

My friend’s idiot husband whose name rhymes with Ned keeps starting up these games of WWF with me (Words, people, not pro wrestling) knowing full well that I’m both a certified English teacher and a bestselling author, so really, he only has himself to blame.

Ned’s Word: cry

My Word: wavery (didn’t he know Ws are worth, like, a million points?)

Ned’s Word: dad

My Word: adeptest (plus the bonus for using all my letters)

Ned’s Word: nor

My Word: hoax (on both a triple letter and a triple word score)

Ned’s Word: read

My Word: manhole (once again, score for using all my letters)

What is really sad is that Ned not only keeps coming back for more, but he uses the chat feature of the game to trash talk. He’ll rack up a whopping nineteen points with some four letter word that happens to fall on a double word score, then chat about how “in your face” he’s being with that word. He’s usually still trying to type that while I’m putting “pathogen” on a triple word score/two triple letter score combo.

The saddest part of the whole thing is how deadly serious this is to me. I am a word ninja on a mission to take out Ned and his entire family, like this “wipe his seed from the Earth” kind of hatred. This is like taking my oral comps for my Master’s degree all over again, like I can prove how really, really good with words I truly am and there’s some board of professors sitting to pass judgment on my next move. I have missed meals and neglected to bathe my children over this game. It’s the English teacher equivalent of a crack addiction. But luckily, I’m really, really good at it, or at least I am when I’m playing someone who can barely speak the language, let alone compete in it.

UPDATE: the absolute best thing ever just happened: I’m not only beating Ned, but I just replied to his chat by saying, “I’m blogging about how bad you suck at this game.” It’s like a win-win for the entire universe. Of me.