See? You thought this was going to be a thought-provoking, touching post about the true meaning of life. Sheesh, it’s like you don’t even know me. No, I really just need that hat to make my Thanksgiving really sparkle.

Seriously, though, I need that hat. Make it happen. And work on world peace while you’re at it. Oh, and fixing the economy so we aren’t in the number two spot for industrialized nations with the most children living in poverty. That too. Oh, and stop the overbreeding of stray animals and the killing of wolves somewhere up north, and the prosecution of minor drug offenders in our nation’s already overcrowded penal system (that was penal, not penile). And could we let gay people finally get married so they can argue over whose in-law’s they have to celebrate with, just like the rest of us? Thank you. All of that would make my already thankful heart just melt from the sheer weight of gratitude thrust upon it.

Now get me my hat. And have a great Thanksgiving.