The Great Curling War of 2016

This is real. It’s absolutely, one hundred percent really real. I mean, I feel bad even mentioning it. This is the low hanging fruit of comedy gold since I didn’t have to do shit except tell you about it. Without even getting drunk first.

“Use of High-Tech Brooms Divides Low-Tech Sport of Curling”

Yes, good people, there is a controversy afoot and it’s cleaving the sport of curling in two. There will be factions. There will be in-fighting. There will be name calling. There may even be blood. All because somebody invented a better broom for sweeping the ice during what has to be the stupidest Olympic sport ever to waste air time.

“Now hold on, Lorca! You can’t go being judgmental about a sport you’ve never even tried!”

Ha. Joke’s on you. I have tried it. So what if it was in my kitchen and the rest of the world calls it fucking mopping up a melted ice cube?! I’ve done it!

Okay, I was wrong. I’m gonna need a drink to process this. (sluuuurrrrrrp) That’s better.

If you didn’t bother to read the article, let me break it down for you. Some guy decided that it’s still curling (and therefore, still stupid) if you use a Swiffer instead of a household broom. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. Yes, a “directional fabric pad” is shaking up the world of Olympic sports in a way that doping in cycling and East German female swimmers who turned out to be dudes couldn’t do. Forget your controversies over Russian gymnasts being taken from the hospital nurseries where they were born and raised on a diet of uneven bars and air, apparently the type of broom you sweep the ice with in (let me say it again) the world’s stupidest sport is about to cause Canadians to come unglued, which given their propensity for manners is something I’d pay to watch.

Let’s back up. A few years ago, a shoe company developed a running shoe with springs in the heels. The International Federation of Running Really Fast issued a decree that anyone caught wearing these shoes in competition–whether the World Championships or your local Turkey Trot–would be banned for life. Even further back, Speedo invented a fabric for competition swim suits that left little to the imagination but helped athletes shatter 38 world records in the preliminary qualifying heats of one Olympic games.

But those sportological innovations don’t hold a candle to the new and improved IcePad broom. Again, see previous statement about lying and dying.

So far, most of the top dogs in curling–oh my god, there are actually top dogs in curling–have signed a pledge (not Pledge furniture polish, although I can see how your brain might go there given these people have dedicated their lives to competition involving household cleaning products) to never, ever, ever use the new Swiffer-style brooms. And I mean, even at home to clean up dog hair.

Hopefully, one of two outcomes will take place. Either the 2016 Winter Olympics are gonna be nail biters thanks to the ensuing controversy of bristle doping, or this will be the thing that finally gets drunken fans to wake up long enough to ask themselves, “What the hell are we watching? Who turned off the hockey game?” Whichever scenario plays out is fine with me.

 

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8 thoughts on “The Great Curling War of 2016

  1. This merely proves that humans have the capacity to take ANYTHING to excess. One wonders about their early training.

    Every year there are reports of someone who drank herself (it’s usually a woman) with purified water by the gallon. She washes out every electrolyte. And ignores every sign on the way to a completely non-functional body by extreme application of willpower. What a waste.

    Curling isn’t usually fatal (unless attacked by brooms). They could be out drinking. They hold off until after the competition. What’s not to love?

    • I’m so glad someone else knew about hyponetremia. I have people look me in the face and tell me I’m making it up when I inform them they can drink water until they die.

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