I have the most freakin’ awesome life ever. In the history of life, even. I get up at 4am (stop it, it is TOO awesome!) and have some coffee. I feed my fish and walk my dog. Then I go to my desk and work doing a job that I actually really like because I get to kill people without any fear of consequences other than realizing that I’ve already killed someone that way. Sometime around noon I eat lunch. Sometime when it looks darkish outside I eat dinner. Sometime around full-on advanced darkness, I go to bed.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Poop, my life sounds kind of pathetic when I get it all down in print like this.
So some time ago I decided that I needed to get out of the house more. I didn’t want to just go hang out in a random store and accost people with attempts at conversation, at least not after that time I tried it in the yeast infection treatment aisle. In my defense, I just didn’t happen to notice where we were standing at the time.
Long story short, I set out on a mission to do something different, but it had to be as interesting and awesome as my current job. Even better, rather than just meeting strangers for conversation, I wanted to do something with my powers, something that benefited society.
And that’s why I now sell stun guns for a living.
Just kidding. I now sell stun guns on the side, because my job is still really great. But stun guns are great too. See, here’s where you’re thinking, “Lorca, you’ve finally done it. You’ve finally damaged your liver to the point that it’s no longer filtering anything out of your bloodstream. You’re not even making sense.”
Yes I am! Making sense, I mean… AND filtering my blood!
I sell stun guns because who doesn’t need a great way to put a violent jerk on his butt? For those who aren’t sure they have it in them to zap a bad guy, I also sell pepper spray. The kubotans are really awesome, but if you can’t zap a guy, I’m guessing you’re not into stabby motions either. It’s all about knowing who you are as an assailant.
Anyway, you’ll be hearing lots more about stun guns and pepper spray and stabby motions and how to have an internet party, but in the meantime, if you’re interested in self-protection (and jumper cables!), comment below!
Lorca Damon 
“You’ll shoot your eye out!”
Hope I don’t spend much time in places where a stun gun might be handy, but if I do, I may possibly consider getting one from you. How’s that for a commitment?
It would be safer. You know my name.
Of course! And I’d love to help you out there. All joking aside, the only place around here to get a stun gun or the serious pepper spray (not the stuff the sell by the register in the Walmart sporting goods section, but actual defense spray) is a gun store. What do you think happens when a woman walks into a gun store and wants to buy something for self-defense? They push her into getting a hand gun. Let the scary begin once that happens.
I’d like to see them push me into ANYTHING. I’m pretty scary myself.
Also, I have no energy. Guns are heavy, and you need to learn to shoot. If they SELL stun guns, they are going to sell me one. Assuming, of course, I can be bothered to go to the gun store. Repeat after me: E N E R G Y.
Here I thought – for a moment – you were serious. Silly me. Consider the source., Alicia.
Oh no, I was completely serious! I know people who’ve gone in for some pepper spray and came home empty-handed. I kept trying to get to the bottom of it, but basically they were embarrassed that they bolted from the store during the “hard sell” on why they needed a gun. This was a runner friend of mine, too! Like she’s going to run with a side holster?
Well, maybe pepper spray. But if you’re willing to use a stun gun on an assailant, in a close attack, the store ought to let you buy one!
I know! You’d think they’d be all about selling whatever protection someone is comfortable with. Instead, it was the gun-slinging mentality… and I say that as a multiple gun owner (hunting)!
My grandfather in Mexico taught me to shoot a BB rifle (tin can on a stick, backed by a very tall brick wall (two stories tall).
I remember it being a lot of fun – and that no one would let me do it by myself.
Haven’t touched a gun since. Too many accidents with family members. But my son wanted a BB gun, and we got him the only thing that was legal in NJ for kids, an Airsoft gun with plastic pellets. He had four or five – and his friends and he played with them: eye protection, supervised, and at times when no neighbors were out – around our suburban NJ home.
With mom and one ear out for the cops.
He was the one who tried blacksmithing with a hole in the backyard for a fire pit, and blew small amounts of caps up on the driveway.
We all watched, emphasized doing what he wanted safely, and no, he isn’t into them much now (at 25), but he does live in Texas. We let him do what he wanted to do (with trepidation), used the various trials as learning experiences for all of us.
Being a parent is never easy.
Nope! Funny that I read this comment this afternoon. I was dropping the kids off at school and, just to be funny, I shouted at my high schooler, “Do you have your stun gun?”
I got a text from her just before lunch: they were on lockdown.
Breathe, Alicia. She ALWAYS does this kind of stuff. She is NOT serious. It’s okay. Breathe.
Nope, she’s totally serious. And I seriously scared my husband with a taser and made him spit water in the floor.