I don’t really consider myself to be much of a “Southerner.” I certainly wasn’t born here, I refuse to use the typical Southern terms like ain’t or y’all (and I put the apostrophe in the right place, instead of writing ya’ll), and I think sweet tea is directly related to the diabetes epidemic. 

It’s a wonder they even let me stay. 

And I used to think that after more than twenty years, nothing could surprise me. I can see things like THIS…

  

…with nothing more than a fleeting feeling of amusement. But then some so offensive to the universe had to happen that it shook my very definitions of all things holy:

  

Yes, escargots in a can. From Walmart. It’s okay, go throw up. I’ll wait. 

Better now? No? Me neither. Yes, this is a can of packaged snails. The thinking is you get home, put away the toilet paper and fabric softener, then sit down to a yummy $9 dinner of canned snails. After shoving the little fuckers back in their shells. 

The really weird thing is…no, there are lots of really weird things about this. 

First, those same shells are available in the arts and crafts department of that same store for that same price. It’s like they should be giving you a discount for taking the snails off their hands. Also, I’m Southern enough to know what a shell-less snail is. It’s a slug. They just sold you a can of slugs, and no, you weren’t over in the sporting goods department buying bait. 

People, for the hundredth time, this is why the rest of the country laughs at you.