So I took a learn-at-home course in chainsaw juggling and cut off my own hands. It turns out I hadn’t actually bothered opening the learn-at-home yoga course and therefore wasn’t quite bendy enough to adapt to typing with my feet. That’s my very good reason for neglecting this blog since an entire season ago. Plus, it’s a way better story than “Now that I’m an author with a twelve-book deal, I’m just way too busy to give my brilliant content away for free.” Even I would want to punch me for that remark.

So I just got really super busy and couldn’t post anything, and besides, publishers hate seeing new blog posts and lots of Facebook selfies when they’re expecting a manuscript. But that smacks of that previous braggy comment, so I won’t go there either.

Lots of things have been happening since my last post, but since none of them involve gorgeous billionaires whisking me off to their red rooms or sparkly vampires, you won’t be seeing my life story played out on a big screen. I did purchase a bottle of urine the other day (and I’m quite pissed–get it? PISSED?!–that the holiday shipping woes mean I won’t get it until next week), so that’s probably going to work its way into a blog post soon, especially if our UPS guy pulls his usual douchy stunt of crushing everything he delivers. Actually, no…that is the story: our UPS guy is a douche and he crushes everything, so I ordered a bottle of urine just for the fun of having him explain that to his bosses.

But per the headline of this post, MERRY CHRISTMAS (or whatever appropriate holiday-themed greeting goes here in your world), and I promise to try to do better keeping this blog alive. It’s been a banner year for our handicapped goldfish, so maybe I can do it.