You know those sweet little WWJD? bracelets and coffee mugs and crap that they sold back in the nineties, all with the express purpose of making you stop and ask yourself how Jesus would respond to the guy who just cut you off in traffic so you could act like our Lord and Savior about it? Yeah. Those never did work out for me, mostly because I’m pretty sure that Jesus would never follow the guy to his destination, slink down between vehicles so as not to be noticed, and then remove the pins from all the air nozzles on the guy’s tires so they couldn’t be reinflated.

I’m here today, however, reprising my Oscar-worthy role as a cautionary tale and inviting all of you to wear your WWLD bracelets. Basically, you take any situation that presents itself, ask yourself, “What Would Lorca Do?” then you do the polar opposite, preferably from the relative safety of another zip code.

Scenario #1: You’re invited to dinner with your spouse’s boss.

Normal Reaction – shower, get dressed, pick up a bottle of wine on the way to dinner to give to your hosts.

WWLD – pick up bottle of wine first, drink it while showering, forget why you took a shower since it isn’t Thursday, and go to bed.

Scenario #2: Your child comes in the house bleeding from doing something stupid in the driveway.

Normal Reaction – apply pressure with a clean cloth to stop the bleeding, checking it periodically to see if it might need professional care.

WWLD – bring the video you took with your phone with you to show at the doctor’s office, since you were standing there letting the kid do it.

Scenario #3: The car starts making a strange noise and warning lights come on.

Normal Reaction – pull over and refer to the owner’s manual, which you smartly keep in the glove compartment.

WWLD – take the foil-wrapped meatloaf that you were trying to cook on the engine block as you drove out from under the hood so your husband doesn’t find out you tried to cook a meatloaf in there again.

Scenario #4: You got busy helping your child with his homework, and burned dinner.

Normal Reaction – have a good laugh with the kids and ask them what kind of toppings they want on their pizza tonight.

WWLD – there are about eight different ways that this scenario would never happen to me, because a) my kids don’t ask for my help with homework, b) I rarely cook dinner, and c) I don’t care what kind of toppings they want on my pizza.

Scenario #5: Friends are unexpectedly dropping by after dinner, and you have no wine to offer them.

Normal Reaction – send your spouse to the store for whatever they’ve got, and pour it in a beautiful decanter so no one knows it came from the gas station.

WWLD – Bwahahahahahaha! Like I’d EVER run out of alcohol! (not that I’d share it if people came over…refer to scenario #4)

Yes, as 2014 draws near, you have the option to live this next year of your life like a normal person, or like someone trapped in the Twilight Zone episode that is life in my household. Choose wisely…one of those scenarios involves running out of booze.