Ages ago, the best product reviews EVER made their way around the internet. If you ever have some friends over for a little heavy drinking, sit around the old laptop and read these Amazon reviews out loud for a device called the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. The upgrades the company made over the 471 model are outstanding, and the reviewers have spoken.

Seriously. This little plastic device that you smash over a banana to make circular slices has almost 5,000 reviews. You must read them all. Click right HERE and the internet will take you there.

And in the spirit of the Hutzler 571 review fun, the public has once again taken to the internet to tell us exactly what is awesome about a pair of running shoes. Pinks ones, to be exact, pink ones that were worn by a certain state senator from Texas during her astounding eleven hours of blocking a really mean vote. This time, don’t be drunk when you read the reviews. You’ll wanna be sober for these bad boys.

Some of my favorites include:

“Marathon shoe for marathon filibustering
The next time you have to spend 13 hours on your feet without food, water or bathroom breaks, this is the shoe for you. Guaranteed to outrun patriarchy on race day.”

“Men, do not try these on!
I tried on a pair at the local mall and suddenly Texas Republicans started telling me what to do with my genitals. They started explaining reproduction to me like I was a seventh grader. Unfortunately, being male, I had no way to shut the whole thing down. I’m so confused…”

“These shoes (and a woman’s body) have a way of shutting the whole thing down
An essential tool for running down the clock in a state 773 miles wide and 790 miles long! These shoes are perfect for those days when you must spend 13+ hours standing, not lean on your desk or take any breaks – even for meals or to use the bathroom. The snazzy hot pink color brings out your inner badassness and helps you to “humbly give voice to thousands of Texans” and stop a “raw abuse of power” in its tracks. Raise a feminist army and lead the charge when your competitors cheat and change the rules on you. These Mizuno’s are built to protect your feet from mudslinging and add sunshine to the political process. Highly recommended for fierce women and anyone who’s not a Greedy Old Prick (GOP).”

Have a nice weekend, y’all…