Don’t Drink the Water in Lick Skillet. EVER.

I haven’t written in a while and it’s because I’m good and pissed off. Not “I can’t believe you raised the price of bananas, I’m going to take my business elsewhere” pissed off, but more like “I’m going to overthrow your government” pissed off. You know, Viking-level pissed off.

Apparently, my child’s school is so freaking amazing at their jobs that they’ve managed to cure her autism. It’s brilliant, really, and will be a huge savings to the taxpayers and the health care industry. All it takes is simply declaring it to be so. Decide that the child is no longer autistic or the patient no longer has cancer, and they therefore no longer need any services or treatment, and then they’ll be fine. Incredible.

Now the fun begins. It’s revenge-plotting time.

Yes, I had to dig through a couple of drawers, but I managed to find my handy-dandy revenge notebook. It’s filled with all kinds of great ideas, and they range in severity from making sure you have a bad day all the way up to requiring Red Cross disaster relief support to clean up the damage and help the survivors. Sometimes, just sitting down and plotting in the notebook is enough to make me calm down, think rationally, and not end up in federal prison.

But not this time.

While my husband busies himself with revenge that involves hiring an attorney and gathering documentation, I’m unbelievably busy Googling, “How long it takes to permanently ruin your car’s interior after someone fills it with rancid pork products.”

My friend, a former redneck, offered his services by pointing out that he knew where all the really good covered wells are in Lick Skillet. I immediately pounced on this information.ย  I was a little overeager, because, as it turns out, he was kidding.

ME: Why did you bring it up if you weren’t going to tell me?

HIM: Well, I was kidding, since I didn’t think you would actually kill someone.

ME: First of all, what ever gave you that impression? Second, why would you bring up the wells if you thought I was going to kill someone?

HIM: You know, to hide the body.

ME: Wow. That is actually a really good idea!

HIM: Wait, if you didn’t know that’s a good place to hide a body, WHY did you want to know where all the good wells are?

ME: To poison the water supply, of course.

HIM: (stunned silence)

ME: What?

HIM: I know a really good attorney.

ME: Oh, we’ve already got the lawyer, my husband’s working on that.

HIM: No, the attorney YOU’RE going to need.

ME: Wait a second, wouldn’t a rotting human corpse thrown in a well still poison the water supply? So we could, like, get a two-fer out of this?

HIM: Stop talking. It’s important that you stop talking now. I’m a state official and I can’t be hearing this.

ME: Puh-leaze. You’re a tax collector. You’ve probably already been thrown down a few of those wells.

In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed that I don’t destroy any vehicles with leftover bologna or discard anything in the aquaducts. And keep your fingers crossed that my daughter still gets to be autistic next year.

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12 thoughts on “Don’t Drink the Water in Lick Skillet. EVER.

  1. Oh yeah, I want in on this! So to be clear, all I have to do is announce that I DON’T have borderline Celiacs, or a history of rheumatoid issues, and voila I’m cured??? Awesome. This means I can stop paying for all that health care that takes an arm and a leg every month and still only pays half the bills. Go on with your bad self, America! Who knew that all we needed to do was DENY THE TRUTH AND IT WOULD GO AWAY? Like that could ever backfire you know, the way it did with a few notable wars… *cough*

    • Exactly. I’m just sad that you and I were suckered into believing we had problems all these years. To think, all I had to do was pretend that my child could actually talk, and she’d have been able to talk! I’m a complete ass for wasting all those years and paychecks on therapy and assistive technology. When I think of all the hours EVERY DAY when I worked with my daughter, hours that I could have spent lounging in the bathtub since there’s nothing wrong with her… shameful.

      I don’t know, I’m thinking from the comments that we might all want to just keep wasting our time and money on these unnecessary treatments. If we quit doing them, we’d have all kinds of extra money and time, and we might get too big for our britches.

  2. So, when I get to the hospital tomorrow and they run their battery of tests and then tell me there is nothing wrong with me, I’ll be fine; works for me, prepare to be dazzled by my twitter and blog come back then that I have been ignoring for the last 9 weeks

  3. Raccoons will also rip your eyes out. And they spray you with the most heinous sticky smelly stuff around. I say raccoon revenge is the best revenge.

  4. WOW! Do you realize that when the rest of the world finds out that your school system can cure autism that your little burg is going to be the richest town in the entire world? You will never have to pay taxes again! Why did you need an attorney???

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