See? You read that title and thought, “Wow, this is gonna be some profound, deep shit that Lorca is thinking about.” Nope. Not a chance.
I learned a long time ago that I can’t handle the pressure of New Year’s resolutions. Sometime around week two when my resolve begins to falter, it all just falls apart and then I feel horribly guilty. And guilt is not a feeling I like. So I don’t make resolutions. I make “mild goals” instead, because a goal sounds like something you really just HOPE gets to happen. People make goals and miss them all the time, and then we still lift those people up for even trying in the first place. Look at the Olympics…all of those highly-trained athletes got sent to some foreign country on my dime and they come home empty-handed, but we let them return because their GOAL is to come back next Olympics and try again. If they had actually made RESOLUTIONS to win a gold medal, their training plans would involve WALKING back to America. Because they only made a GOAL to get a medal, we still do John Tesh montages of their lives.
So I have some GOALS for next year, but even just by saying they’re only goals, I’m already admitting to you up front that it might not happen.
First, I have a goal of only eating food stuffs whose name does not end with the word “product.” The rest of you suckers might be making resolutions to eat healthy. I’m making a goal to stop shoving “Sliced American Cheese Product” into my face.
Next, some people might be at this very minute resolving to get fit. I’m making a goal to make my clothes fit. That might involve buying bigger clothes. Either way, I just won.
My goals for 2013 include not bouncing any checks (but it still might happen), making a home-cooked meal every night for my family (but it might not happen), and to color my roots every time they need it (it’s not really looking good for that goal, either). I plan to write a lot more (that’s actually probably the most attainable of the goals) and drink a lot less (the ink wasn’t even dry on that goal before I decided that one was stupid).
My final gift to you from 2012 is permission to abandon any and all thoughts of improving yourself next year. You’re fine just the way you are. Sure, you might not have won any Olympic medals, but you’d be in good company with expensively created athletes like Lolo Jones, who is now trying her hand at bobsledding. She gave up on her goal of being a hurdler because it turns out that hurdling is really, really hard. So the moral of the story is why try?