Tweets from the Bathroom

I adore walking around in Hobby Lobby. It’s an awesome place that makes me think of the Arts & Crafts rotation from summer camp. I’ve never been to summer camp, but I bet Hobby Lobby would be the best place to get the supplies for Arts & Crafts.

The best part of Hobby Lobby is I can look at all the cool supplies and lust after them and then think to myself, “Oh, but I’m so busy with my career, I simply don’t have the time to sculpt my own mailbox out of resin, and I can’t possibly make my own lavender scented soaps.” See? It’s not that I’m too stupid to work anything more complicated than the can opener, it’s that I just don’t have the time due to my jetsetting lifestyle and power career.

But my kids and I were wandering in Hobby Lobby when nature called. The youngest and I wound our way to the very back corner of the massive store to use the facilities but something horrible happened to both of us: there was no toilet paper in the entire bathroom, something we sadly discovered AFTER the fact. Luckily, my oldest was still browsing the aisles and dreaming of all the cool stuff she could make if SHE had the time. I got out my phone and texted her.

Mom: HELP! There’s no toilet paper in this bathroom! (As a writer, I’m required to use correct punctuation when I text.)

ADAMON: OMG what should i do (As a 12-year-old, she is not.)

Mom: Go over to the yarn section.

ADAMON: ok im there

Mom: Find a skein of white 40-weight yarn and some size 12 knitting needles.

ADAMON: ok got em

Mom: Sit down on a chair in the cake decorating section and begin to knit me some toilet paper.

ADAMON: wtf? wont knitting some take a long time?

Mom: WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO DO? GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER!

ADAMON: how

Mom: I recommend asking an employee for some toilet paper.

ADAMON: NOOOOOOO!

Mom: Come again?

ADAMON: how embarrassing! theyll find out your in the bathroom (Her punctuation and grammar are killing me at this point.)

Mom: They’ll figure out I’m trapped in the bathroom when they find my skeletal remains in a few weeks. I need toilet paper!

ADAMON: sheesh hang on

(Meanwhile, I began tweeting from the bathroom, just to have something to do. The entire dramatic saga of not having toilet paper was going to be documented under the hashtag #Trapped, but it turns out that’s the hashtag that guy used when he fell while rock climbing and got his arm caught under a boulder. I didn’t want anyone to read my tweets about being stuck in a public bathroom, then get grossed out by reading about him cutting his arm off with a pocket knife. Thinking of y’all, here.)

Mom: Any luck?

ADAMON: i told someone and they said there wasnt any more. im at target buying some.

Mom: Perfect! Good plan! Buy milk, too. But put it in the car before you come back with the paper. That would be gross to bring it in here.

Mom: If you have your fake ID, get me another bottle of white wine. Never mind, you’re only twelve and your fake ID is from the Justin Bieber fan club.

ADAMON: eeewwwwww hes so gross

ADAMON: omg they have that new metallic nail polish!!! can i get it plz???

Mom: I’m going to really need you to focus here.

I continued tweeting until the help arrived, much to the poor traumatized child’s chagrin. My later tweets that day can be found under the hashtag #YouWontLiveToSee13.

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14 thoughts on “Tweets from the Bathroom

    • Here’s what I don’t understand: WHY do people think I’m funny? I’m not making this stuff up, it really happens to me! I really do get stuck in bathrooms, tweeting for help, people!!!

      But thanks! 🙂

  1. Oh my god… you are killing me! Killing me! Can’t stop laughing. Surely the store could have provided you with paper towels? Cash register receipts? Cleaning rags? A mop? A store employee should have run to target for you!

  2. As a world traveler and mother of 4 I can’t believe you don’t have a baggies of kleenex in your purse!! Great for cleaning up anything including various bodily fluids…. You can buy little purse sized packs but they are more expensive. Sometimes even that seems like a good investment. I think the 12 yr old was brilliant to think of going to Target to buy paper! I would probably just have bought some onion skin in the craft dept and handed it in the door.

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