The best part about being me is I get to string together all kinds of sentences that no one else ever thinks they’re going to have to say. I don’t mean those, “I never thought I’d have to tell you this,” kinds of sentences, I mean whole words that don’t have any business together. These are really and truly some very for-real things I’ve had to say:
“Wait, I don’t think that kangaroo is cooked all the way through.”
“Oh no you don’t, ma’am, you can just take that armadillo right back outside.”
“If you didn’t want me to lick that rock, why did you ask me where I thought it came from?”
“Yes, honey, I really do think ‘assnugget’ was the right thing to say to Father Michaels in this situation.”
“We’re going to need another brick of cocaine if we want this project finished on time.”
All of the above statements are things I’ve really had to say to people, and if you take them out of context they just sound really, really bad. If you know the context in which I’ve said them, they sound slightly less bad. But only slightly. Of course, they would sound even better if I had a really great cartoon-character voice, like Woody Woodpecker.
Wait, did I just say “pecker” in this blog post?