You Can Quote Me On That

The best part about being me is I get to string together all kinds of sentences that no one else ever thinks they’re going to have to say. I don’t mean those, “I never thought I’d have to tell you this,” kinds of sentences, I mean whole words that don’t have any business together. These are really and truly some very for-real things I’ve had to say:

“Wait, I don’t think that kangaroo is cooked all the way through.”

“Oh no you don’t, ma’am, you can just take that armadillo right back outside.”

“If you didn’t want me to lick that rock, why did you ask me where I thought it came from?”

“Yes, honey, I really do think ‘assnugget’ was the right thing to say to Father Michaels in this situation.”

“We’re going to need another brick of cocaine if we want this project finished on time.”

All of the above statements are things I’ve really had to say to people, and if you take them out of context they just sound really, really bad. If you know the context in which I’ve said them, they sound slightly less bad. But only slightly. Of course, they would sound even better if I had a really great cartoon-character voice, like Woody Woodpecker.

Wait, did I just say “pecker” in this blog post?

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11 thoughts on “You Can Quote Me On That

  1. I have conversations involving sentences like that but weirder on a daily basis with my husband, to the point that I think I’ve forgotten the best ones to make room for the newest ones. The newest being “What do you mean you don’t know. You’re supposed to keep track of my mole sizes and shapes!” All this is way of saying, I know exactly what you mean.

  2. “Yes that’s right doctor I’m the vole man.” (I hate going to the doctor’s on any occasion since the ‘vole incident’).

      • I was just outside the doctor’s surgery, on my way for an appointment some years ago, when I saw a cat attacking what I thought was a mouse so I tried to rescue the mouse, picked it up and was promptly bitten by what turned out to be a vole, which sank its teeth into my hand and wouldn’t let go. I promptly went into the doctor’s surgery with vole still attached and went straight to reception, waving a bloodied hand with a vole attached; the vole detached itself and ran amok in the waiting room, causing mayhem. I had to have a tetanus jab in the rear and an RSPCA worker was called to capture and return the vole to the wild, where frankly I hope it got eaten by something bigger. That’s a vole incident, which I have never lived down. Hence “Yes that’s right Doctor I am the vole man” being a phrase I have used more than once.

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