My Next Husband Will Have Hair

Who cares if that shit is made of glued on horse hair? I WANT IT.

Oh, stop it. It’s not even shocking anymore and it’s barely still funny. I’ve been talking about killing my husband for so long you’d think he’d have dropped dead just from the sheer amount of brain cells that I’ve activated at different times on the thought of offing him. But this post is actually very sweet, I promise.

Whenever I do finally getting around to killing him, disposing of him, putting on a good masquerade of mourning for him, then get myself back in shape (or at least back in my weight class) enough to start dating, I have a list of criteria for Dead Husband # 2 (did I forget to mention that I plan to make a “thing” of this, and that probably all husbands everywhere need killing?).

Here are my criteria, in order of importance:

  1. Don’t be bald.

That’s it. That’s all I’m looking for in my next husband. Stop judging me, I am not shallow. Let me explain.

I don’t care if Dead Husband #2 has a job or not. He can have facial tattoos, although I would prefer not. He can at this very moment still be living with his parents, but even there I really hope he’s not. The only thing he must have is gorgeous hair. (I told you to WAIT! This will stop be shallow in a couple of paragraphs!)

Basically, the only thing Dead Husband #1 DOESN’T have is hair. He has a great job, an almost equally bizarre sense of humor to match mine, he is so afraid of his children that he compensates by being awesome to them, and he has no problem with my obscene book fetish. He is the total package.

Except he’s bald. And I kind of think it’s my fault. He had hair until he met me, that’s all I’m sayin’.

So since I’m not trying to improve my situation with my next marriage, the only thing I don’t have from a man this go around is hair that stays where it’s supposed to. I just thought I’d try something different. Of course, I can’t kill Dead Husband #2 the same way I’m gonna kill Dead Husband #1, so the method will be different too. Or is that called, “My M. O.?”

24 thoughts on “My Next Husband Will Have Hair

  1. There are many reasons to kill someone, but pattern baldness seems a bit picky. Cheating is a good reason. Money, the old chestnut. Stifling them with a pillow because of horrific snoring has been accepted as a defence in a manslaughter trial too. Baldness no. Well you might get away with it… also thinking about it the CSI team would have a job finding hair to match DNA… as long as you don’t get a bald judge… getting the L’oreal law team stating as a defence that ‘he wasn’t worth it’… you might just get away with it at that…

      • I’ve never heard of a Woolly Willy toy. Is that some kind of bizarre Anne Summers/ Mattel hybrid product? Or a sex aid for elderly spinsters?

        • Hahaha! No, it’s the little cheap plastic/cardboard combo with the magnetic wand. You draw iron filing “hair” on his head! But the sex toy idea sounds like an intriguing business plan. We’ll do lunch and dialogue about it.

  2. This is the first time I’ve visited your website. This post got me thinking about a running joke my family had when I was a kid. We joked that my mom had killed her original husband, burying him in the back yard and the guy sitting in our living room wasn’t actually my dad but some random guy named George. We were a very dysfunctional family. 🙂 I had to chuckle remembering this. Thanks for the laugh.

  3. hehe, my first guy wasn’t bald, but balding. He’s probably bald now (boohoo). My husband has the thickest head of hair on a man I’ve ever seen. He makes some women jealous.

    Years ago, I had 10 things I wanted in a husband, and one of them was he had to have all his own teeth. Just goes to show how low my standards were at the time….I’m better now 😉

    GREAT hilarious post,

  4. sounds like you should be slipping vitamins and healthy stuff into husband #1. Since I read the news a lot I think you have found a rare diamond–the rara avis of husbands. Kudos. Besides, bald husbands don’t shed and you don’t have to clean out the sink as often…

  5. You can have the dream! My first husband was bald (at 23!). My second husband has fabulous hair. No I did not kill my first husband *shifty eyes* honest. He’s still alive. I think.

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