I Used to Like My Doctor But Now She’s Evil

So I went back and saw my doctor yesterday to make sure that the piece of my face that crumpled up and fell off wasn’t cancer. She was really nice about the fact that I handed her a three-week-old scab that I had saved in a plastic sandwich baggie, too. She even mentioned that she read the blog post I wrote about her being all stingy with the cryosurgical blowtorch and she had decided not to sue me for libel.

And right about the time I was thinking she was a total class act for treating me like I’m a normal person, she had to go and blow it. This sweet doctor who laughed at all my jokes and didn’t prescribe me pills even after she found out I posted photos of my nose-scab on this blog and let people vote about the diagnosis…GAVE ME A GIFT BAG FULL OF SAMPLES.

Do you know what a person like me would be willing to do for a gift bag full of free shit? It’s like the best present ever because the rest of the world had to pay for all that stuff but NOT ME! I’m a SOMEBODY! My name is on the VIP clipboard so I get my tubes of funky creams for FREE, beeyatches! It’s not about the products themselves because they were just little cool non-terrorist-sized tubes of TSA-approved lotions and sunscreens and stuff (and the joke’s on her because all that stuff will keep me from ever actually getting cancer…she’s just hurting her own business). But I got it FOR FREE!

Then I remembered that giving away free tastes of stuff is EXACTLY how drug dealers work. Sure, that first hit of heroin is on the house, then you’re gonna pay for it by turning tricks out of the back of a rusty Pinto. This “doctor” (I’m gonna use quotation marks around her title from now on) got me hooked on all kinds of good smelling stuff that made my face smooth and shiny and less Shar-Pei-looking. I know when I go back to see her because I’m all out and I’ve just gotta have one more taste, she’s gonna be all, “You’ll need to make an appointment,” and “Sure, would you like me to start you a tab? We can put you on a payment plan for this exfoliant, if you want.”

I totally see through her plan. I’m never gonna use sunscreen again, just to prove to her that I don’t need the goods, that I can quit any time I want to. Heck, I’m not even gonna wash my face anymore, let alone moisturize. We’ll see who needs who. (I’m lying. Doctor, if you’re reading this, I totally love you and I’ll do anything you say. Just don’t cut off my supply of sheep placenta and retin-A.)

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13 thoughts on “I Used to Like My Doctor But Now She’s Evil

  1. Oh, this one is fantastic. I had to share it with every platform possible. My doctor is kinda like a dealer, too. I’ll be going back to see her soon enough as soon as my pimp gets me insurance 😉

  2. Yeah. My doc gave me a free sample of allergy stuff. I really enjoy breathing all spring so I keep going back every year. So those docs are know they are on to something/

    • Exactly! Where do you think the street dealers learned their stuff? From the pharmaceutical industry! THEY’RE the ones giving the doctors free samples to pass out! Well, not anymore…

  3. damnit now I wanna get a “maybe nose cancer”
    i want free shit too

    Oh wait. i can’t have free shit

    cause my medical plans has a 4 week waiting list

  4. Don’t worry about it, you really don’t need those high-priced face creams. I am 58-going-on-59. My profile picture is recent, and it is totally unretouched — if I knew how to retouch, I’d get that stringy hair off my face. And maybe delete about 2 million of those freckles. I have an actual freckle count of 100 freckles per square inch, according to my OCD hubby. So obviously, I do not use sunscreen. I can’t, because I haven’t been able to find one that doesn’t make my nose run. A LOT.

    HOW do I stay so young-looking, you want to know? Botox? Lazer or chemical peels? Collagen injections? Plastic surgery? Nope, nope, nope, and nope. My big staying-young secret is: LAZINESS. Gravity can’t work against you when you’re lying down.

    OK, yeah, it may help that I have been taking grapeseed extract every day for about 15 years. It’s a super-cheap powerful anitoxidant that you can buy at walmart or, the best deal I’ve found, from swansonvitamins.com. Seriously, they sell it for about $3 a bottle, which lasts a couple of months. Several times a year they do a 2 for the price of 1 sale, and I stock up.

    I also stopped smoking about 10 years ago, which helps a lot. I drink a lot of water. And occasionally I do face exercises, when something looks like it might be getting ready to start to sag, or wrinkle. A grreat book that tells/shows you how to do these exercises most effectively is called FACERSIZE (sp?). It’s sold on Amazon. Of course.

    Not sleeping on your face, or using an anti-wrinkle pillow that you can buy thru amazon or on ebay, helps, too. Sleeping with your face smashed against a pillow for 6 or 8 hours nightly is very damaging.

    Finally, I have recently, meaning within the past couple of years, started using some face creams that are chock full of antioxidants, dmae, etc. The best deal I have found is on skinactives.com, they sell scores of ingredients super CHEAP, so you can make your own custom skin care! They also sell some ready-mades at very reasonable prices, too, if you prefer not to do the witches-brew thing.

    But I still say that the best thing for staying young-looking is Laziness. Lie down on your back as often as you can. It’s like MAGIC!

    • PS My eldest son is 40, my eldest grandchild just turned 20. A couple of days ago a kid who was about my granddaughter’s age was flirting with me…. with my hubby right there! Stan (hubby) told me afterward, “He must of thought you are my daughter.” My hubby is just 4 years older than me. LAZINESS. I wonder if I can patent it?

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