I made the mistake of choosing “public school teacher” and “author” as career paths without marrying a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon first. That basically means I’m doomed to a lifetime of driving a nine-year-old minivan and vacationing in places whose historic landmarks date all the way back to 1985. But never fear, I am ever the intrepid opportunist and I have found a whole new source of income.
I’m going to be a drug dealer.
I’m really, really scared of people who look like thugs and I’m the biggest chicken when it comes to doing something I was told not to do and then getting in trouble for it, plus I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to crack and I almost flunked chemistry so I probably shouldn’t try to cook meth. Fortunately, I got the bestest idea EVER from our own government and now I’m going to be So. Fucking. Rich.
I’m going to stock up on birth control pills and sell them on the black market when our government finally finishes those last few inches and gets its collective head the rest of the way up its ass.
Yes, like any good carpetbagger, I’m going to make my fortune off the backs of the people who are about to be royally screwed over by the government. I will conduct business in bus station bathroom stalls where I pop out and sell illegal Depo-Provera shots. I’ll be that person who says, “Psst,” in a loud whisper then beckons you over to the trunk of my car (mini-van…sigh) by jerking my head at you and asking you if you wanna taste. Of Lo-Ovral.
And just like all those mail order Canadian Viagra websites, I’m gonna make a fortune. I’ll be the person that you all know when you tell each other you “know a guy.” And you will pay me whatever I ask because I can get the good stuff, the really high quality pharmaceutical grade stuff that will actually keep you from getting pregnant. Not only that, even when you’re done paying me you’ll never really be done paying me because then I will OWN you for buying drugs from me. I can make you be my bitch because you’re addicted to only having two kids.
Wait. This stopped being funny about a paragraph-and-a-half ago. Because it’s gonna happen. But at least I’m gonna get in on the ground floor.