I accidentally clicked on something one day and it automatically signed me up to get email updates on how bad everything is in the whole world. It’s kind of depressing and I really would like to stop getting these updates because they make me sad, but how do you click “unsubscribe” to receiving email updates about how they’re beating women in foreign countries for trying to go to school or how polar bears are drowning because there’s not enough ice left for them to take a breather on?

So I continue to receive updates from Change.org and I even sometimes get so mad at the news item that I read it and think about it and consciously don’t switch over to flipping through YouTube videos of people falling off of stuff. Instead, I even click on the button that lets me sign a virtual petition to stop countries from throwing gay people in jail just for being gay. I really do try to be a good person. Sometimes.

But these people are in serious danger of losing my interest and it’s not just because I ran out of Ritalin. This week’s petition is…get this…to get Lego to quit making pink Lego bricks because they’re sexist.

Okay, even I admit that I’m way oversimplifying things here. Apparently, Lego introduced a whole line of cutsie items that come in girlie-girl colors and have little Lego girls in them instead of the creepy-looking Lego people that they usually sell. What the hippie petition-people don’t like is that these Lego kits for girls show the little figure-people doing things like sitting by a pool or going shopping. Apparently, that’s degrading to women. And to Legos. And to swimming pools.

I’m completely confused. If we can sell dolls that go shopping and we can sell whole room-sized play kitchens for little girls to stand in and pretend to cook, why can’t little girls have Legos that sit by the pool ordering MaiTais?

The whole point of Legos is they’re awesome and they snap together to make whole creative worlds that you can pretend to be in. Folks, when I’m escaping reality for a while, I’m absolutely sitting by a pool drinking a beverage. Not only that, but as long as we’re pretending here, in my alternate reality my body looks a whole lot more like that little Lego girl’s body than my own disastrously warped middle-aged body, plastic ponytail included.

When did it become wrong to let a girl pick out the pink toy? If those smelly little boys can have every Star Wars scenario ever thought up by nerds who still live with their moms all spelled out in expensive plastic bricks, why can’t girls have shopping Legos, as long as they were the ones who decided to play with them? Would it be better if there was a little plastic book the little plastic girl could be reading by the little plastic pool?

If you people really want to protest against Legos, I have some suggestions. One, how about we all admit that Legos are made out of plastic that was mixed together in a lab and therefore don’t have to cost more than the tank of gas I burned to get to the nearest major city that has a Lego store? Two, why the hell does it have to be so difficult to get two Legos apart without involving my finger nails and/or my teeth? Three, does it have to be so damn painful to step on a Lego barefoot in the dark at three o’clock in the morning when the dog has to go out?

Those are some mere suggestions if you’re really determined to bitch about Legos. I, on the other hand, would use that pent up energy to protest things like living conditions for children in inner-city public housing or the rape of women soldiers in the U.S. military. But hey, pick your battles I guess. I’ll be out by the pool thinking about the state of the world if you need me.

UDPATE: Wouldn’t you know it, I write this blog post and then I’m so worn out that I go lay down on the couch for a while. And there’s a commercial for the girly Legos. It looks just like Polly Pockets or Barbies, only these are made from Legos. I don’t get it.