You know, creating a whole list of stuff you’re going to change about yourself in the coming year is kind of pointless. You’re what, middle aged? And you’re still needing to improve yourself? Why are you still even trying?
Instead of making the typical resolutions that don’t last long enough for the ink to dry on the back of the Arby’s receipt I wrote them on, I’ve decided that for 2012 I’m going to make the rest of the world bend to my will. I’m just fine the way I am and in any areas of my life that could actually use a major overhaul, I’m too drunk or lazy to fix it. So it’s far easier to have the rest of you just change around my every whim.
Revolution One: we don’t eat enough fast food. I don’t need to lose weight if the rest of you just get really, really, supremely fat. I plan to look good by comparison. This one is actually my gift to you since you are now expected to eat French fries and drink 600-calorie cups of coffee all day long. You’re welcome.
Revolution Two: I’m gonna park wherever the hell I want to. Handicapped-shmandicapped. I realize they will tow my car for not having a proper tag, but I’m pretty sure my car is untowable. That’s what the guy with the tow truck said when I wanted him to come take it to the shop, and I can totally believe him. Besides, I have documented neck arthritis and it’s hard to turn my head. I haven’t tried to get a legitimate handicapped tag because I’m afraid they’ll realize that I probably shouldn’t be driving. Let’s just call it even.
Revolution Three: I am done with shopping in major retail stores. If they don’t sell it in the gas station near my house, I don’t need it. That little gas station sells eggs, milk, bread, and wine, along with a full complement of lunch meats and M&Ms in every flavor. I can buy cleaning supplies and sweatshirts there. What else is there?
Revolution Four: I really should write more, but you people have suffered enough. I’m going to switch to writing those instruction manuals that come with major appliances and do-it-yourself furniture. I can’t suck worse than the people who already write those things. Since no one is actually going to pay me to do this, it’s more of a calling. I’m just going to start taking things apart at random and then writing a manual about how I put it back together.
That’s really the only things that occur to me at the moment, but I’m sure major changes will be in store down the road. For you, obviously. Because as I said, it’s just too late for me. Save yourselves.