In a fit of Thankgivingness, I decided to cook something. (pause) Sorry, I couldn’t finish that sentence without laughing. Here’s what actually happened:

I dropped my last red jelly bean in the pantry and had to dig around to find it. To throw it away, people, not to eat it. While I was digging around, I found an open bag of pretzel sticks, half a bag of chocolate coated popcorn, two open bags of marshmallows, and my kids’ trick-or-treat buckets. I know, you can totally see where this is going.

I piled all of that on the countertop and looked inside the buckets first to make sure there were no rodents in there. Guess what you’re going to find in children’s candy buckets in late November? Four hundred Tootsie Rolls.

Not to bring any lawsuits on myself, but let me tell you my opinion of people who give out Tootsie Rolls on Halloween. Never mind, I should probably just keep it to myself. Oh what the hell…you’re a douche bag if you give little children a wad of impossibly chewy faux chocolate. Does anyone on the planet actually sit themselves down on the couch on a Friday night with a giant bowl of Tootsie Rolls and a chick flick? NO. Tootsie Rolls are worse than the guy who gives out pencils printed with jack-o-lanterns, like you want to be using that pencil in February.

So I had a brilliant idea and here’s the recipe, lovingly created and passed on to you for your holiday baking:

Lorca’s Shit Bars

Ingredients:
Butter (I don’t know how much, figure it out!)
All of the Tootsie Rolls that don’t have mold growing on them
All of the pretzels and popcorn from your pantry
All of the marshmallows, except the ones that were pastel and shaped like bunnies ‘cause those went bad in August
Other stuff

Directions: Melt the butter in a cheap saucepan because if you’re making these while drinking you’re going to forget it on the stove and ruin your pan. Melt all of the Tootsie Rolls in the butter. Take the wrappers off first. Melt the marshmallows on top of that. Stir. Add pretzels, popcorn, Flintstone vitamins, whatever. Pour out onto waxed paper in a big pile. Break off little pieces and set them on a plate just before people come over. Don’t tell them it’s really Tootsie Rolls and see if they can figure it out. If you’re Martha Stewart, there’s probably some reason that you should have added vanilla in there while you were stirring.

Happy Thanksgiving.