If you are a follower of this blog, or even if you’ve accidentally clicked on it because you thought I might be married to Matt Damon but you’ve started to notice that not all is right on this website, then I want you to close your eyes and imagine what exactly could happen to me if I’m left to my own devices for an entire day in New York City. And I have a credit card. And half a sandwich in my purse.
I got to enjoy an entire day after my latest conference because my flight wasn’t until 6:00pm, so I used it the only way a freakishly skewed person like myself knows how: I went to the library.
Yeah, I said it. I had a day to kill and a really amazing credit limit and I went to the library. But the fun doesn’t stop there, my friends! I also saw the world’s largest Toys R Us (I’m sorry, Toys R Us, I realize your corporate branding is very important to you, but I can’t make my letter R turn around backwards like you do). I walked around Times Square a little bit, I saw the Empire State Building—twice, because I got turned around and ended up back at Penn Station—and went to the world’s most expensive flea market where I helped one junk dealer fix the antique piccolo he was selling because he couldn’t get it to play.
I did almost get kicked out of the library and maybe arrested and banned for life for trying to obtain an illegal library card. I wanted to fill out the form to get the card, but the only address I knew in New York was my parents’ first apartment when they got married.
SWEET LIBRARIAN: Yes ma’am, I’d be happy to help you get a card. Just fill out this form and sign here.
ME: Sure! Then I get my card?
SWEET LIBRARIAN: We’ll issue a temporary card today and then you’ll get your permanent card in the mail.
ME: Oh. So I can’t have my official card today?
SLIGHTLY LESS SWEET LIBRARIAN: No. That’s why we issue the temporary card today.
ME: I completely understand. But is there some way I could maybe give you a self-addressed, stamped envelope so my official card can be mailed to me?
IRRITATED LIBRARIAN: Do you happen to have a self-addressed, stamped envelope with you?
ME: No, but I could run get one.
SUSPICIOUS LIBRARIAN: I don’t think we’ll be able to do that.
ME: Um, does it matter that I don’t know my apartment number? I just know my street number. It’s the really tall building on West 75th Street.
IGNORING ME LIBRARIAN: Please fill out your form completely.
ME: Okay, okay. Jeez, it’s not like anyone wants to steal the books. This is the Fort Knox of libraries!
BITCHY LIBRARIAN: I’ll have you know, that we lose approximately 300,000 dollars’ worth of books every year to patrons who don’t return the books!
ME: Oh yeah? Well, you let those losers have a library card! See what knowing your complete street address will getcha???
Then she reached under the desk and tapped a button, so I left. But this isn’t over. I know people who know people and I am totally getting that library card. Bee-yatch.