Really, How Much Can Posting Bail Cost?

If you are a follower of this blog, or even if you’ve accidentally clicked on it because you thought I might be married to Matt Damon but you’ve started to notice that not all is right on this website, then I want you to close your eyes and imagine what exactly could happen to me if I’m left to my own devices for an entire day in New York City. And I have a credit card. And half a sandwich in my purse.

I got to enjoy an entire day after my latest conference because my flight wasn’t until 6:00pm, so I used it the only way a freakishly skewed person like myself knows how: I went to the library.

Yeah, I said it. I had a day to kill and a really amazing credit limit and I went to the library. But the fun doesn’t stop there, my friends! I also saw the world’s largest Toys R Us (I’m sorry, Toys R Us, I realize your corporate branding is very important to you, but I can’t make my letter R turn around backwards like you do). I walked around Times Square a little bit, I saw the Empire State Building—twice, because I got turned around and ended up back at Penn Station—and went to the world’s most expensive flea market where I helped one junk dealer fix the antique piccolo he was selling because he couldn’t get it to play.

I did almost get kicked out of the library and maybe arrested and banned for life for trying to obtain an illegal library card. I wanted to fill out the form to get the card, but the only address I knew in New York was my parents’ first apartment when they got married.

SWEET LIBRARIAN: Yes ma’am, I’d be happy to help you get a card. Just fill out this form and sign here.

ME: Sure! Then I get my card?

SWEET LIBRARIAN: We’ll issue a temporary card today and then you’ll get your permanent card in the mail.

ME: Oh. So I can’t have my official card today?

SLIGHTLY LESS SWEET LIBRARIAN: No. That’s why we issue the temporary card today.

ME: I completely understand. But is there some way I could maybe give you a self-addressed, stamped envelope so my official card can be mailed to me?

IRRITATED LIBRARIAN: Do you happen to have a self-addressed, stamped envelope with you?

ME: No, but I could run get one.

SUSPICIOUS LIBRARIAN: I don’t think we’ll be able to do that.

ME: Um, does it matter that I don’t know my apartment number? I just know my street number. It’s the really tall building on West 75th Street.

IGNORING ME LIBRARIAN: Please fill out your form completely.

ME: Okay, okay. Jeez, it’s not like anyone wants to steal the books. This is the Fort Knox of libraries!

BITCHY LIBRARIAN: I’ll have you know, that we lose approximately 300,000 dollars’ worth of books every year to patrons who don’t return the books!

ME: Oh yeah? Well, you let those losers have a library card! See what knowing your complete street address will getcha???

Then she reached under the desk and tapped a button, so I left. But this isn’t over. I know people who know people and I am totally getting that library card. Bee-yatch.

I found the library! on Twitpic

3 thoughts on “Really, How Much Can Posting Bail Cost?

  1. If you are going to call your “peeps” from your —uh–other job….Maybe you should use that favor for something more useful than a library card from a library you can’t visit more than twice a year. Just sayin’

  2. I love your library story. When I got the chance to go to Boston for a conference I spent quite a bit of time in the library there because I had been told about the amazing architecture in the old part of the library by a server at Samuel Addams brewery. He was right, it was worth the trip. I never once considered trying to get a library card though. How awesome that would have been!

    Lorca, you are a hoot!


    • Thank you! But I’ve been trying to get that library card for so long that I’m now on several government watchdog lists. I just want to HAVE a card, not USE the card!

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