I Would Be the Best Dictator EVER

I want to have a country but I can never finish a whole one.

I have reached that point in my middle-aged life where I’m looking for a new challenge, something to break up the routine. It would be great if it could be something that I would actually have to plan for really far in advance, like a marathon or being a freelance wet-nurse, because then I’d have months of preparation and training ahead of me before I could actually attempt the goal. It would definitely kill time.

I’ve already run a bunch of marathons and done a few triathlons and I can’t actually lactate anymore even if I concentrate really hard, so I’ve kind of closed the door on a lot of goal-oriented pursuits. One thing that I haven’t gotten to do is stage a rebellion and overthrow a government in order to seize power and make the minions—I mean, millions—do my bidding. There’s a really long line of people in this country who’ve already filled out the necessary forms to try that here, so I’m putting out feelers on Twitter for a foreign country that really needs a good coup.

I have pretty high standards sometimes, so my dream country would be fairly tropical with a steady tourist-based economy and lots of time spent being fanned by cabana-people who bring me drinks. I also want a country that would never see this overthrow happening, since I’m not a large person and I don’t really have enough friends and co-workers who would want to participate in my uprising. Those jerks.

I have to say I would really be great at taking over a country and making everyone do things my way, and not just because my way makes sense all the time and not just on paper. I would be really awesome to the little people and only unleash my inner crazy on politicians, criminals, and boards of directors. Of ANYTHING. Schools and hospitals would have to play a big huge game of Brewster’s Millions where they see if they can possibly spend enough by the deadline in order to get even more money, and anything that provides cool interesting things to do for children or the elderly gets an automatic green light from the treasury. We’ll have to make some cutbacks to bankroll my game of Magical Fairy Wish Machine, so all funding for Viagra is hereby cut.

When I’m elected dictator, (by which I really mean, “When I take over your country,”) road construction cronies will have a time limit to complete highway construction! Pre-packaged food products with more than eight ingredients will be outlawed! People will stop wasting precious electricity with inflatable yard art! Football season will last exactly two weeks for college teams, three weeks for pros! Big Bird will have a permanent home on Sesame Street and Glenn Beck will have to hold a monthly telethon to get to stay on the air! The masses will both fear me and adore me!

Sorry, I got a bit woozy there. The extreme power went to my head for a second, but I’m okay now. I can’t lose it like that in front of my victims—I mean, constituents—ever again if I want to stay in a leadership position for long. I wouldn’t want to look crazy and find myself overthrown.

15 thoughts on “I Would Be the Best Dictator EVER

  1. Oh, I MUST agree with Lorca on the Vatican takeover scheme. I’ve been inside the Swiss Guard’s private uniform and weapons room and those dudes have some SERIOUS whoop ass locked up in there (striped clown pants aside). We are talking medieval spikey-ball-chain thingies that I am pretty sure would hurt like HELL, even if you didn’t get sent there by the Pope for staging an uprising. Stick to the tropical locales!

    • Seriously? Like I don’t have enough to worry about what with learning how to wave at the troops all day long, NOW you want me to have a royal food taster? I’m starting to think this was a bad idea.

  2. You’re thinking small. Take over, say, Aruba and what’re you going to do except drink rum all day? (Not that I’m knocking that.)

    What you want to do is take over the Vatican. Now you can tell everyone what to do and God is backing you up. You’d better believe the road construction will get done on time! Plus everyone will give you money, and since you don’t have to work you can then sit around drinking rum all day. Sweet!

    • Oh. Em. Gee. I like the way you think. However, and this is a giant-assed HOWEVER…HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE SWISS GUARD? Don’t let the dumb-assed striped-stocking outfits fool you, those are some kick-ass soldiers guarding the Vatican. A) You have to be a badass to pull off that outfit without getting beaten up on the way to work every morning, and 2) I think it’s INSTANT damnation if you even think about trying to overthrow the Pope. I don’t think I should try that this close to 2012. But we’re still in the stage of welcoming all suggestions, we’re just brainstorming here, so keep ’em coming!

  3. Are you talking about the round football or the real football? 1 week for roundball. I’m just afraid if you were dictator I would be on the chopping block so I’m going to keep my eye on your progress and be prepared to leave the country– wait, I already left.

    You are funny!

  4. I read somewhere today that Idi Amin ate a few of his dissenters. You’re clearly not thinking despotically enough. Don’t touch my football season, though. Cannibalism aside, I will cut you.

  5. Lorca, I was totally with you until you said you’d cut the college football season to two weeks. GONG! Sorry babe, I am an Arkansas Razorback and no can do. We love our little porkers and love all the football we can get. Please reconsider your stand on this position. I am with you on professional football and maybe we can cut professional basketball altogether. Okay!

    Raising a drink with a little umbrella your direction,


  6. > I’m putting out feelers on Twitter for a foreign country that really needs a good coup.

    You should consider Botswana. I saw a video from there last week and there were chickens running all over the place. Even in the road!

  7. You are a very funny lady. Just finished reading this – I vote for you for dictator, although I’m pretty sure you’re just going to take over my country anyway! I spied Linda Richman (Mike Myers) and have to read that one, too.

    • Okay, we’ll work out a deal. I get to take over your country, but you get to be my ambassador to Luxemborg. There’s nothing to do there but ski and shmooze with the beautiful people! For money, even!

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