I had to drop my subscriptions to several blogs and websites recently because my email inbox felt very claustrophobic. Aside from Canadian viagra ads and girls with live webcams who apparently want to meet for some strange reason, I receive a lot of shopping circulars and coupons for ten percent off my entire order of something that I don’t remember ever wanting to buy in the first place. My inbox looks like an episode of Hoarders.
One of the emails I decided to unsubscribe to was the AllRecipes.com daily newsletter, and this time it had nothing to do with boycotting the company because of their corporate policies that allow them to eat endangered wombats. I dumped these guys because I simply couldn’t keep up with their ridiculously high standards.
The mission of AllRecipes.com is really and truly to make you feel like an inadequate harpie who is starving her family into submission. These lovely people email a recipe and menu plan every single day, complete with full-color photographs taken by real-live housewives who’ve apparently made these dishes and received rave reviews from family and friends. One woman was supposedly given the key to her city for her potato salad recipe made with eight kinds of potatoes and homemade mayonnaise.
While I admit the recipes are helpful if you’re looking for the skinny on how to make something specific like Lithuanian Latke-Palooza, I don’t really get the people who take pictures of their recipes and post them online. Seriously, what kind of person not only had the time to take pictures of their dinner, but really thought that the rest of the world cares what her Macho Nacho Taco Bake looks like?
I decided to get over myself and try to make more room in my schedule to be more like these culinary teachers’ pets. Here is how my week of lunch time recipes turned out.
Day One: I got busy on a report for work and ended up eating Twizzlers and a Rock Star energy drink, mocha flavor. I still haven’t stopped twitching.
Day Two: I got on a health kick and had a diet Mountain Dew and some carrots with ranch dressing that I bought at the gas station.
Day Three: I didn’t have any milk, so I ate Slim Fast powder out of the canister with a spoon I found in the bottom of my filing cabinet. I don’t think it was my spoon.
Days Four and Five fell apart altogether and I don’t want photographic evidence out there on the internet in case I ever run for public office.
I don’t think I’m cut out for the world of gourmet cooking, especially since my children make loud exclamations at the dinner table like, “Wow! We’re having MEAT!” I hereby promise that if these kind folks will stop sending me recipes I will stop photographing my actual meals. And I will work hard on not becoming a hoarder.
Lorca Damon 
Happy birthday!
No, YOU have a happy birthday! Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, YOU go have cake dipped in vodka for MY birthday!
V, Pop-Tarts are food, they are in one of the basic food groups right next to Ro-tel Velveeta Cheese Dip.
Most Sincerely,
Ardee-ann
If what you posted was the non-embarrassing stuff, I can only assume you ate nothing but canned spam and belly button lint for the rest of the week.
TOO FUNNY! I’ll NEVER TELL, but ravioli from a can was involved in the recipe. Okay, I admit it, I added water and called it tortellini in broth. My family’s never been to Italy, they don’t know!
Huh, last night my Alter-Martha made orange balsamic baked chicken breast, squash casserole (I got the recipe from a chef at the farmer’s market last weekend) and butter sage farfalle (bowties for any harpies)….then I read your blog and had a sugar free Red Bull and beef jerkey for breakfast. Thanks for showing us how the other half live!
And Pop Tarts are not food.
I have high hopes for your complete and utter downfall into the status of Normal Person! Beef jerky is an entire food group on the pyramid. Right?
I just had a diet mountain dew and cherry pop tarts for breakfast. Cherry pop tarts taste like air freshener. You don’t need to know why I know that.
ROFL! Congrats on saying out loud what many of us are thinking! I don’t use any site that makes me feel inadequate. I will admit to never having had twizzlers and energy drink for lunch—I’m more of a snickers-diet-coke kind of gal.
Lorca, I love your blog. The part about eating the Slim-Fast powder and the kids being excited about MEAT cracked me up. You are a rock star! Thanks so much!
Ardee-ann
No, thank YOU for not calling the authorities!
The Slim-Fast powder on Day Three made me laugh! If you’re having a tough day, you can also make dessert out of instant hot chocolate powder mixed with vodka.
Not that I’ve ever tried that… *shuffles feet* (I was MUCH younger then.)
Not sure if you’d want to serve it to the kids, though. 🙂
Uh, no, I’ve never, uh, tried the vodka with anything…or done anything when I was younger that I can’t talk about now!!!
Seriously????? EVERYBODY’S done something when they were younger………
Cool recipe, Diane. Thanks for sharing. Could you send a picture with that?
Would that be the “before” picture, or the “after” picture… oh, wait, you meant the hot chocolate…?
Another brilliant post, Lorca. I really perked up when you mentioned Canadian Viagra. I didn’t think the Canadians went in for that sort of thing. Niagara, yes, but Viagra? Is theirs any better than the usual sort? The reason I ask is that I’ve been buying mine locally, but it’s a bit expensive here. If I can’t find a cheaper supply I may have to switch back to Canderel, my coffee mornings have become so popular, lately.
ROFL! You “perked” up when I mentioned Viagra? See? It works!!!