I’ve been sleeping on my parents’ couch lately, and no, it’s not because I lost my job at Taco Bell for not washing my hands after using the restroom. Dear God, do they have to have that sign in there that tells employees to wash their hands? Are they seriously hiring folks who are too stupid to know that the next logical step after flush/pants-up is wash? Can’t You smite all of those intentionally unhygienic people*? Amen.

(* This is not to imply that people who lack the mental capacity to know better should die. I’m just sayin’ that if you do have the brain cells to read the sign but still need to be told, do us all an eternal favor.)

No, I was sleeping on my parents’ couch because my inability to read my own date book put me going to a two-day conference for work then turning around and going camping for three days before staying at my parents’ house for two more days. If I knew what the little boxes in the date book were for, I’d have spaced all of that out a little better.

That out-of-town mishap has led me to decide I need to establish a better system for knowing what I’m supposed to do every day. You have to understand that I actually get paid to write (Good grief, no, not this shit, no one pays me to write this crap you’re having to read right now) and I mean I actually get paid in money, not in coupons to Dairy Queen. As a writer, I feel this artisticky connection to the universe that lets us writers pretty much ignore all standard conventions like clocks and date books and C-SPAN discussions of that debt cap thing that nobody will shut up about. I come by my vapidity purely by the fact that somebody decided to send me money every time I string 300 to 500 words together on a given topic.

Instead of relying on a completely useless—and possibly homicidal—date book, I’m going to organize my weekly responsibilities alphabetically. You know, Monday starts with an M and Tuesday starts with a T, so I’ll think of like-lettered things to do with those days of the week. Unfortunately for my family, there are no days of the week that begin with C for Clean and/or Cook. I may have to fall back on Friday Feeding Day and Thursday Tidy-up Day, but I’m pretty sure I can get out of both of those. Unfortunately for my husband, there is also no day of the week that goes with the word Naked. Unfortunately for me, there is also no Zombie weekday. Sigh.

For Monday, I’ve decided that’s a good day to start off the week with some reinforcements. Monday is Margarita Day. And Movie Day. Or, even better, Margarita and a Movie Monday! Tuesday can be Typographical Tuesday where I don’t have to re-read anything I write before publishing it for the entire internet to read. I need an intellectual-sounding day of the week, so I’m thinking about Wodka Wednesday…isn’t it like Volkswagen where it’s pronounced with a v but spelled with a w? Whatever, wodka is just a great-sounding word.

That’s about as creative as I can get for now, so I’ll have to think of something to fill in the other days of the week. My date book says I’ve already expended more energy on this project than I was supposed to. Of course, it is out to get me.